Some Kind of Story, Part One

She was never one to go for the lead singer.

She liked drummers.

Almost hidden behind shaggy hair and a stack of hi-hats.

Keeping the beat.

They seemed steady, but reckless at the same time.

And always so much about the music.

And not so much the spotlight.

No band is complete without one.

And neither was she.

I am what I am

I am: a dreamer a good listener a better cook than I ever thought I would be an optimist an intuitive decision-maker faithful a yellow a bit of a treehugger right brained a chronic procrastinator a giver worth it

I want to be: a good mother someone who lifts others up a strength to those around me a woman of culture a polyglot a seasoned traveler a lifelong scholar well-versed street smart always thinking and creating in love forever

photo via deviantart

Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 in 1952.

{I found this picture on Sabino. And I liked it. A lot.}

we can blame the media.
we can blame McDonalds.
we can blame technology and Photoshop and plastic surgery.

or we can find that inner love for ourselves.
and accept that beauty has no dictionary definition.
it is an open-ended question.
and we answer it by loving ourselves every day.

we can feed our souls when we feed our beautiful bodies three times a day.
we can say thanks for this amazing gift we've been given by treating it well:
moving it around, filling it with delicious food, getting some shut-eye at night.

because it really isn't about the numbers: 10, 35-29-40, 145....
it's about loving the body God gave you. and doing what you can so you can move it around, enjoy that delicious food, and get some shut-eye for 80, 90, maybe even 100 years.

image via google

The Long Walk Home

I hate that because I'm a woman, there are things I ought not to do.
I hate that I shouldn't walk home alone because there is a chance I could encounter a dangerously forward male with ill intentions.
I've been conditioned to think that because I am a woman, I am weak and helpless to defend myself.

I hate that.

I hate feeling like this rare occurrence is not so rare.
Vulnerable is one of my least favorite flavors of fear.

I don't like calling someone to walk me home. If someone I know is around, sure, I'll walk with them. But I don't like making someone go out of their way to do something I have done by myself thousands of times (even though I know, most likely none of my friends would mind).

I'm stubborn, I know.

I just don't want to be scared of the world.

I am not naive enough to think bad things don't happen, or to think that it couldn't happen to me. I just don't like feeling like it will happen to me. Every.Night.

I guess this post has no real resolution. Except for the fact that I will continue to: rarely be on campus at night, walk with my head held high and buy some pepper spray.

I still don't like the sound of that. Because I've heard so many guys (and my Mom) tell me not to walk home alone after dark, I want to do it more. Just to show them I can do it. That I'm tough enough. It's a stupid reason, but it's my reason.

Take that, invisible male demons. Another successful walk home. I didn't even run.

image via deviantart

{And I hate that Southwest Airlines took away my pepper spray. So I forgot to put it in my checked luggage, it could have come in handy if the guy sitting next to me was planning on hi-jacking the plane. But they threw.it.away. Now, if that should ever happen, I'll have to settle for a ballpoint tracheotomy a la Red Eye. }

ten honest things

My dear friend Micaela tagged me to do this. Micaela is one of the most honest, genuine bloggers I've had the pleasure of getting to know. If you haven't stopped by her corner of the web, you're missing out!

ten honest things about me:

1. Sometimes I get scared easily--life, love, loneliness...most of all, I think I'm scared of losing my way and forgetting who I am. But every day I feel a little more confident in who I am and how I love this life I've been given.

2. I think with my heart. I make decisions based on how I feel about the situation. It's not always logical and often unexplainable. But I trust my heart and that gives me peace.

3. I compare myself to others and care what other people think way too much. I don't like admitting this because it makes me feel vulnerable, but it's true. It's not that I have low self-esteem, because I'm actually pretty happy with who I am. But sometimes I get caught up in wanting to be exciting and fun and attractive and unique, when really I just need to be me. Because that is enough.

4. I'm really bad with goodbyes. I tend to just avoid them. Just leaving without a word is easier for me than reminding myself of what I'm leaving behind.

5. Sometimes I worry that showing too much of the real me is a turn-off to any potential love-to-be. At least, showing too much, too soon. Being that open is liberating but terribly frightening at the same time because it gives someone else the ability to make judgments about my heart.

6. I love sad movies. And I love a good cry. It is such a natural release. "The Way We Were" is one of my all-time favorites.

7. I love my brown eyes. I used to not like them at all, and was envious of girls with beautiful blue or green eyes. I even considered buying colored contacts. But I realized that they are the same as my mom's eyes, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

8. These things make me feel loved: heartfelt hugs, sincere smiles, and the overall ease of being with people who know you well.

9. I have come to realize that sometimes I am braver than I give myself credit. I'm willing to do scary things, even if I'm terrified. These experiences have taught me not only that I can handle whatever the scary thing was, but also that I can take a chance.

10. Music will always be my first love. Oh, I will love someone more than music, that is certain; but I doubt I will ever find something I love so well.

I tag...whoever wants to do this! (Jayne, Pepper, and Niki, I know you love these things, and I'd love to hear your 10 honest things!)

image via weheartit

{Love-to-be, if you happen to be reading this: This might scare you; this much of me, all at once. It's a good chunk of my heart. But be gentle with it, and understand that I'm a work in progress. Honestly, aren't we all?}

flawed and a bit fearful

Love-to-be:

I need you to be the kind of guy that won't back down when I tell you what I'm scared of, even if it scares you; the doubts that I have, even if they surprise you; my insecurities, even though I seem confident.

I need you to not run away, even when you find my faults. You can't be someone I need to hide from; you need to be the guy I run to. And if I get scared and run away, I need you to come after me. Sometimes I'll need you to fight for me, and remind me that I'm worth fighting for.

I need to be able to be me around you. I can be pretty good at putting on a show, but it doesn't usually last. And that's not the way it should be anyway, is it?

I need you to not give up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.

And I need you to be the sunshine in my life, when I'm in my darkest days.

And maybe this makes me sound really needy and pathetic,

but I promise: I'll do the same for you.

images via this and this

hum-dum-dee-dum

My friends are getting married.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that. Really, I am.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that. Really, I am. Most of the time.

But sometimes, it can be hard.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else. And here I am.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else. And here I am. Happy, but alone.

And I wonder why.

And I wonder why I am so independent.

And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself.
And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself. my-lonely-self.
And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself. my-lonely-self. Instead of someone else.

Because I'm not.

Because I'm not that girl.

Because I'm not that girl you know.
Because I'm not that girl. you know, the one who's always a girlfriend.

Because I'm not that girl. you know, the one who's always a girlfriend. And never just, a girl.

I am just me.
I am just me, and I'm learning.
I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love.
I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love. And loving myself first.

I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love. And loving myself first. Because, for now, that is enough.

photo via deviantart