finally

It had been about a month.

She'd accepted the truth and had moved on without regret or hard feelings. Of all the times she'd mustered up some maturity, this was one of her best moments.

She wasn't bitter. Not in the least.

She wasn't angry.

She had been a little sad, but that's all. And that was over.

There was someone new. And maybe he was more than that someone else, but he wanted more of her. And that was the best part.

But she turned down the wrong hallway, earlier than usual before class and happened to pass that someone else.

Instinctively, she bowed her head and wondered if he'd notice her or say hi.

And he did. With a grin and a big wave, he said hello and a name. Her name.

Like nothing had happened.

Because technically, nothing had.

And she responded with a quick "Hey, how's it going?" that came out more cautious than casual.

Pit in the stomach. Heart beating faster. Shaky hands.

But, you know, it broke the ice. She'd been hoping to bump into him, to show him she was fine. After weeks of convincing him she's the girl that can stay friends, she finally had a chance to show him she really is.

And maybe that's what she really needed. To finally really completely let go.

And that feels so so good.

truth is who You are

"And it's not enough to just say, "I believe"

'Cause truth is that talk is cheap

So grace give me eyes to see

You came to take us back to the start

You came to touch the hardness of our hearts

You gave us truth that truth is who You are

It's who You are"

-Tenth Avenue North

I love this way of talking about the Atonement and Jesus Christ's mission. He didn't just teach truth, He is truth. And taking full advantage of His grace is doing our best to be like Him.

I made a Pandora station of this band a while back, to mix up my Sunday playlists, and I've gotta say, it's Monday and I'm still listening.

Listen to the whole song here.

I'm the girl

who tears up when the bride grabs the hand of that special gentleman and lets him escort her to the center of the floor; he holds her close and lets the ruffles of her ivory gown swish back and forth and halfway through the song when she places her head on his shoulder, he whispers those three special words, over and over, afraid she'll forget.

And when he gives her away to her new true love, he's choking back tears, and she thinks, for a moment, that might be the first time she's seen her father cry.

It gets me every time, and I'll be sure to wear waterproof mascara the day I'm the girl in the gown.

hesitation

I'm the girl who waits until she's sure and by the time she knows, it's too late.

Sometimes I forget that life doesn't hold still just because I'm indecisive.

Maybe I fear regret of doing more than I fear regret of not doing.

Or maybe I fear success because I might not know how to handle it.

I'm good at heartache and disappointment. It's familiar and I know how I deal.

But for some reason, it's so difficult for me to believe that success will come. Maybe that's because I think I won't know what to do when it does.

image via

If you knew me better...

you'd know that I've had my fair share of hard conversations and I do just fine

that I will never resent you for your weaknesses, if you're patient with mine

that I will never expect you to do more than just try

If you knew me better, you'd know that I think with my head and decide with my heart

that I'm a natural optimist

that regardless of what happens, I'll be okay

If you knew me better, you'd know that I'm not in this just for me,

and that I'd love nothing more than to be something you need

But really, if you knew me better, you'd know that honestly, I just want to get to know you better

image

*And nearly two years ago, somehow I knew this would pretty much sum it up.

girl power

This past week, I've been in a retro girl power mood. Madonna, Whitney, even a little Mariah and K Clark (who I realize is not from the same era, but really, she's got enough soul and spunk to fit in with those ladies, right?).

Anyway, apart from filling my ears with the beautiful soundtrack of the 80s, this week has been great. Major events:

-Monday--all-nighter scrambling to get everything ready for Tuesday, 1am 7-11 run for hot cocoa and only getting 30 minutes of sleep before heading to Sundance.

-Tuesday--Recruiter's fair up at Sundance. Got to talk to some really cool agencies and make some good connections. I'm slowly realizing that graduation is actually going to come and I'm going to have to grow up and be a real adult. Yikes/Yay!

-Wednesday--Meeting with more recruiters and following up with those from Tuesday. Ice cream social with the Leo Burnett crew.

-Today--Catching up on some homework, Adlab stuff, random errands. Comfort Food (aka grilled cheese and homemade tomato soup) party at mi casa with all the ad geeks. We all just chilled, played a little Just Dance 3 and it was fantastic. I seriously love my major and all the people in it. We know how to work hard and play hard.

It was a stressful but really good week. It's nice to be able to see my work on a website (check it out, kids!). I'm really proud of it, so that always makes it easier to show to other people.

weekend

An El Salvador clan reunion a mi casa with late night pizza making and inside jokes,

a very entertaining commercial shoot,

a fantastic concert by Ryan Innes (blows me away every time, check him out here),

an uplifting and hilarious Sunday watching Downton Abbey and Boy Meets World with a favorite movie-watching comrade,

Kneader's all you can eat french toast with the roomies this morning,

and this beautiful Monday holiday.

Couldn't have asked for a better weekend.

Hopefully this means I'm refreshed and prepared to kick some advertising butt this week getting ready for next week.

Wish me luck.

have a little faith

Right now, I'm learning a little about faith.

In myself, in others and in a loving God who has a plan for me.

Someone who knows the timing better than I do, and who can see the whole picture.

On a less dramatic note, in 11 days representatives from 14 ad agencies are coming to look at our portfolios and I get nauseated just thinking about that.

I'm really excited, but this just means I have to be ready to show my soul to them in advertising form and hope that they like it.

It's vulnerability to a degree that I have not yet experienced.

But I prefer this to stagnant growth any day.

Here's to the sweat and tears that will be spent over the next 11 days, putting my book through the refiner's fire.

And here's to having a little faith.

The Help

As if enough book clubs haven't blogged about this book already, I'm going to add my nickel or dime, too.

I feel like Skeeter and I are kind of similar. 23, college graduate (or soon-to-be), single and trying to write out a place in the world.

Since the first time I went to South Carolina when I was a little girl, I've loved the South. Maybe it's my grandmother's Charlestonian blood running through my veins.

I feel confident that I could live in the South for only one reason: the food. And after reading about Minny's caramel cakes, and fried chicken and pork chops, all I want is some down home barbeque.

Over Thanksgiving, my family visited the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis. I could have spent all day walking through the exhibit, reading the labels and quotes from everyday people and prominent leaders of that movement, but we only had a couple of hours.

We saw the room where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated and read about so many others who suffered simply for trying to speak out. It became so much more real to me. I have so much admiration for those who fearlessly fight for justice, anywhere and everywhere. Whether that is by staying put in a bus seat or taking huge risks to report the truth.

All I can really say about The Help is: read it.

And then think about it.

We study history so we don't repeat it. But, just like everything in life, it's never all bad. I loved reading the stories of tightly-knit bonds between women, remembering that despite the tough times, in the long run charity never fails.

image via google

12

Maybe my New Year's resolution should be to stop neglecting this little blog of mine so often.

Just to warn, this is going to be one of those catch all, catch up posts. Don't expect beautiful writing or any attempts at poetry; it's just the raw, real stuff.

Because life is messy sometimes.

So let's see, major updates:

1st semester of the creative track is done. (weird, but it was a crazy busy, fun, good time)

I'm graduating in less than 5 months.

I'm realizing I'm much more of a flirt than I thought. (good or bad? This could be a post of it's own, so maybe more on this later).

Finals are over and grades turned out better, in some classes, than I expected.

Christmas at home was wonderful. My family is incredible. Lunch with Dad, Downton Abbey with Mom, last minute Christmas shopping and Panda Express with the little brother, Portland adventures with the sister (and sister's friends) and bro-in-law, sooo many treats and tins of fudge with Oma, a family history lesson with Opa, a visit from Grandad, and plenty of Rock Band and Just Dance with all.

New Year's adventures in Portland with Hilamonster (aka this girl Hilary who made sure I didn't die in El Salvador): getting kicked out of a birthday party turning into a girls night out on the town, eating sick-nasty oatmeal at Le Montage (potential remnants of ashtray contents included), and a rockin New Year's Eve dance party.

Welcome, 2012.

Here's to another year of adventures and misadventures, and all the nonsense in between.

(Oh, and as far as boys go, I can't say there is a boy, but there is the hope of something with a certain boy.)

The legacy of Atticus Finch

"I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what." --Atticus Finch, To Kill a Mockingbird

I read To Kill a Mockingbird when I was about 13, and loved the story. I felt like Scout, and my dad was my Atticus.

This week I read it again, with a 23-year old perspective, and dug deep into the pages of the story and the social commentary that goes along with them. I thought about families, communities, rights and wrongs and the wisdom of Scout Finch.

It's so much more than a story about racism or prejudice. It's about the strength of a family, the power of communities (for good or for evil), the simple things in life, and the never-ending debate of right vs. wrong, and what we should do with our rights about those wrongs.

It made me think about what I think and how that influences my actions. It made me long for times when life may have seemed simpler on the outside, but there were wars to fight inwardly.

Sometimes it's good to be reminded of the true strength of the human spirit.

image via

patience

To the boy who was always in the background:

I definitely, definitely took you for granted.
And right when I thought I'd let you catch up, you seem to have stopped chasing me.

I would say I wish I'd figured this out sooner, but this is all part of the process, really. And timing is tricky, so I think I'll leave it up to Someone who can see the whole picture.

So maybe it will never be, or maybe it just won't be right now.

But I want you to know that I'm not going anywhere.
And, no, that doesn't mean I'm standing still, it just means that I get it.

I was too scared to go for it, for fear of a nasty outcome, but after all this time I'm finally realizing: you're worth the risk.

And if you're worth the risk, you're worth the wait, too.

mountains

Oh wow.

So it's been a while, right?

Somehow this semester is still shaping up to be crazy busy, because I am working fewer hours and I quit the ballroom team/world.

I love it, and I love the things I'm doing, but sometimes there are days when it just swallows me up.

A lot has happened and a lot has stayed the same in the past few weeks.

I dated someone and then I didn't date someone.

I didn't know what I wanted and I felt unsettled about the whole thing, so I ended it.

And now I think I know what I want, but I'm not sure how to go after it. Or if I should wait for it to come after me. Or worry that it won't.

But this is familiar, I'm used to being this girl. And I'm good at it. And I'm trying to muster up some hope because doubt is my vice.

I just have to keep treading water and telling myself that somehow I will get everything done that I need to, and if I don't, then it probably wasn't that important anyway.

So we'll see what the rest of this season holds. But, come what may, I'm going to make it great.

soundtrack to my morning:

just checking in

to say that I'm alive.

I know it's been a while, but I haven't felt inspired to write.
At least not here.

But I will soon.

And, for what it's worth, I've started at least 5 posts in the past few weeks, but they always end up half finished, in the drafts folder.

autumn

It's officially cold enough to break out the cardigans and scarves and that makes me a little giddy.

I really love summer and sunshine and all that comes with that, but I can't wait to wake up with a mug of hot cocoa or cider, pumpkin carving for Halloween, or the smell of rain.

I think this semester is going to be a great one. The first two weeks have been pretty good and I'm still really busy, but it's a busy that I can handle. The good kind of busy, is what I keep telling people.

The changing of seasons is so refreshing, and it makes me excited and anxious for what this year holds.

NYC: 1, LA: 0

I was planning on writing a post about how I conquered the local bus system, and finally figured out how to navigate around this little town sans roommate's car or favors from my neighbors.

But then I waited half an hour for a bus that never came (when they only come every hour anyway), and decided that my trusty little legs are better than any air-conditioned seat on a bus.

At least for now.

I'm still determined to figure out at least a couple necessary bus routes to the grocery store and other important places, but we'll save that for another day.

When people ask me where I want to intern/work after I graduate, I usually say New York City or LA, and that I'm pretty torn between the two.

But since LA means traffic and traffic means white knuckles and stress, today I'm leaning toward the Big Apple. or maybe the Windy City.

miracles

"23And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, fell down bound into the midst of the burning fiery furnace.

...

25He answered and said, Lo, I see four men loose, walking in the midst of the fire, and they have no ^ahurt; and the form of the fourth is like the Son of God.

26¶Then Nebuchadnezzar came near to the mouth of the burning fiery furnace, and spake, and said, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, ye servants of the most high God, come forth, and come hither. Then Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, came forth of the midst of the fire.

27And the princes, governors, and captains, and the king’s counsellors, being gathered together, saw these men, upon whose bodies the ^afire had no power, nor was an hair of their head singed, neither were their coats ^bchanged, nor the smell of fire had passed on them.

28Then Nebuchadnezzar spake, and said, Blessed be the God of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, who hath sent his ^aangel, and delivered his servants that ^btrusted in him, and ^chave changed the king’s word, and yielded their bodies, that they might not serve nor worship any god, except their own God."

Daniel 3:23-28

I've always been amazed by this story. It would have been so incredible to witness this miracle and see the men in the furnace emerge unscathed.

But it also makes me think of the story of Abinadi. I'm sure he was just as faithful and devoted to God as Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego, but he was not saved from his fire.

Anyway, that made me think about trials I've experienced and the trials I've witnessed others struggle with, and how sometimes the Lord chooses to take away the pain, and sometimes he lets us experience it.

But I think that is because we all learn and grow in different ways. Sometimes our faith grows by witnessing a miracle, and sometimes the miracle is that even after the tough times, we can still believe. He knows us and He knows not only what we need, but how we need it.

And I am so grateful for that.

Virginia

There is something deep inside my soul that pulls me to Virginia.

And I have no idea why.

I have only been there once, with my sister to visit her then boyfriend who was a grad. student at UVA, but I remember the smell and the heat of summer, and the rain. And the heat in the rain in the summer.

And maybe it's just another facet of my love affair with southern life or my not-so-hidden desire to be the next Paula Deen.

But of all the places I may end up, 20 years from now, with a little family and an old house and a life that I love, I think I could be very happy in a smallish town in Virginia.

But that is really all I know right now.

we won't be leaving by the same road that we came by*

{I found this in my "Drafts" folder today, and I can't quite remember what prompted me to write it, which must mean it's safe now to post, right?}

And we won't be the same people when we leave either.
Because the rocks and the ridges in the road shape the pattern of our footprints.

And because we grow up, and we grow together, and we grow wiser.

So that we realize there are things about the person we used to be that we'd prefer to leave in the past.

We leave those pieces of us for the journal entries and the photo albums, tucked away to remember, but also to forget.

Like a mental list of who not to be.

It's good to remember, because it allows us to see how far we've come.

But it's better to forget, because then we can finally be free.

*Keane, you have been my muse for the past two and a half weeks. So thanks for that.