little does he know...

I might like this boy. Sort of.

It is one of those irrational crushes that I know full well won't go anywhere. I mentioned him before, once, on this list.

Sometimes I wish things were different. Actually, a lot of times I wish that things were different. That we were different. That we were more compatible. That there wasn't that huge obstacle standing in the way.

There are so many facets of his personality and character that I could fall so deeply in love with. Maybe that is why I am so cautious about this, and can't let him know.

The main problem that stands in the way is that we are too different, religiously speaking, for it to work; and neither one of us would want to compromise. (and frankly, the fact that he is so committed to his own faith is one of the things I admire about him.)

But he is a good man. He might not think so, but I believe he is. He has a good heart, a good head on his shoulders, and a smile that can make me lose my train of thought. He is smart, in all the ways that really count; I've never had a particularly intellectually-stimulating conversation with him on a subject other than religion. But I can just tell.

Confession: I don't actually know him that well. Not as well as I'd like to.

I want to know his motivation in life. Why he is the way he is. What caused him to become so strong in his faith and so knowledgeable about it. What his family is like. Why he is still in this town. What he struggles with. What his weaknesses are. What makes him happy.

And, of course: what he thinks about me....does he ever think about me? That is a question I wonder about almost everyone I know. not in the sense that I have to please everyone. I'm just curious what people think about me, based on what they know about my life.

He could so easily be my summer crush. But that would be dangerous, now wouldn't it?

It's scary to let your heart really feel sometimes, isn't it? I think that too often we don't want to give our heart as much power or control as it wants because we are so afraid of falling apart. Which it often does.

The next best thing would be for him to become a good friend. Or better yet, for me to become a good friend to him. That is generally my heart's compromise to the whole falling in love/breaking my heart dilemma. I love having male best friends, and I have been lucky several times with that.

[insert borderline-sappy and somewhat random shoutout]

{Josh Cluff--you might be reading this, but you are one of my closest guy friends, if not the closest. You fill spots in my life that no female could. I probably don't tell you enough how grateful I am for that. You were many things for me this year, but most of all, you were my friend.}

But back to the point.

I don't really know why I felt particularly anxious to write about this. Or why I wanted to write about it at all. I guess writing/typing out my thoughts is one way I try to organize them and make sense of my complicated mind.

These thoughts don't even have to apply to just one boy. I guess this is kind of a collection and rambling of my thoughts about life and love.

I think there will definitely be more where this came from. So if you haven't gotten too bored and kept reading, stay tuned. :)

(Like this wasn't a long enough post already?)