cannonball--take two

Remember that one time when I was going to be brave?

And just go for it

head first

without worrying about how deep the water was?

I think I'm failing

and I'm too tired to try and catch myself.

Let alone anyone else.

I'll open up the moon for you.

{I received several CDs for Christmas, and this is one of them. I think it has been in my cart at Amazon for at least two years, but I just hadn't got around to buying it.}

I fell in love with this song...oh I don't know how long ago. But it's been in the back of my mind for a few months.

{Sara's lyrics are always so heartfelt and clever. I always wish I'd thought of them myself. (if you don't believe me, listen to this song.)}

One Sweet Love

Just about the time the shadows call
I undress my mind and dare you to follow
Paint a portrait of my mystery
Only close my eyes and you are here with me
A nameless face to think I see
To sit and watch the waves with me till they're gone
A heart I'd swear I'd recognize is made out of
My own devices....
Could I be wrong?

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?

Sleepless nights you creep inside of me
Paint your shadows on the breath that we share
You take more than just my sanity
You take my reason not to care.
No ordinary wings I'll need
The sky itself will carry me back to you
The things I dream that I can do I'll open up
The moon for you
Just come down soon

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.

Savor the sorrow to soften the pain sip on
The southern rain
As I do, I don't look don't touch don't do anything
But hope that there is a you.

The earth that is the space between,
I'd banish it from under me...to get to you.
Your unexpected love provides my solitary's
Suicide...oh I wish I knew

[CHORUS]
The time that I've taken
I pray is not wasted
Have I already tasted my piece of one sweet love?
Ready and waiting for a heart worth the breaking
But I'd settle for an honest mistake in the name of
One sweet love.



I think what I love about this song is that it's not desperate, or needy, or even overtly impatient. It's not that she's unhappy with her single life; it's more...hopeful about the future.

And I get that, I really do. Because that's where I am right now: content with my life and truly happy, but not too content to lose hope for something more.

We contemplate our own mental versions of what we want. We make silent sacrifices and oaths to cheat time and bring that one sweet love to us a little sooner. We pray that our efforts are not in vain.

And we hope.
We hope that we haven't messed everything up.
We hope that we haven't missed our chance.
We hope that we haven't said too much, or not said enough.
We hope that there is a "you" to put at the end of our "I love..."

to be or not to be {myself}

Maybe I've said too much...

Sometimes I feel like I tell the world, (or at least the portion of it that reads this blog), too much about myself.

I let my guard down in my little spec of the world wide web, and really put my heart out in the open. Because I feel safe here. It's my space. My world.

My problem is this: I wonder if the real me will scare him away. Sometimes I wonder what he'd think if he stumbled across this blog. It's probably a bad idea to let him see too much too soon. Maybe I need to put on the show just a little bit longer. You know, where I try to say the right things all the time. And behave as a lady should. And play by The Rules. (no I do not own a copy of that book, nor have I read it.).

But you know what I mean. Play hard to get, act mysterious. {Wow. I just realized I really stink at the whole mysterious part.}

What I'm trying to say is that life isn't like the movies, where the overly dramatic/irrational/emotional/imperfect girl gets the guy in the end, right?

Maybe I need to put up the walls again. Go back to being that girl, or appearing to be that girl. Get the fish to bite and then show him what he's in for.

But here's the other problem: I'm happy here, being me. All of me. I like this space. And I like my imperfect, messy heart. I like that my life is sometimes an open book. It's who I am.

{Even as I type, I'm debating between two choices: click the "publish" button, or save this as yet another of more than a dozen "drafts" that will probably never be exposed to the world.}

Maybe I don't even know what I'm saying. Maybe I'm just rambling, but I guess he'll find out sooner or later...

image via deviantart

ten honest things

My dear friend Micaela tagged me to do this. Micaela is one of the most honest, genuine bloggers I've had the pleasure of getting to know. If you haven't stopped by her corner of the web, you're missing out!

ten honest things about me:

1. Sometimes I get scared easily--life, love, loneliness...most of all, I think I'm scared of losing my way and forgetting who I am. But every day I feel a little more confident in who I am and how I love this life I've been given.

2. I think with my heart. I make decisions based on how I feel about the situation. It's not always logical and often unexplainable. But I trust my heart and that gives me peace.

3. I compare myself to others and care what other people think way too much. I don't like admitting this because it makes me feel vulnerable, but it's true. It's not that I have low self-esteem, because I'm actually pretty happy with who I am. But sometimes I get caught up in wanting to be exciting and fun and attractive and unique, when really I just need to be me. Because that is enough.

4. I'm really bad with goodbyes. I tend to just avoid them. Just leaving without a word is easier for me than reminding myself of what I'm leaving behind.

5. Sometimes I worry that showing too much of the real me is a turn-off to any potential love-to-be. At least, showing too much, too soon. Being that open is liberating but terribly frightening at the same time because it gives someone else the ability to make judgments about my heart.

6. I love sad movies. And I love a good cry. It is such a natural release. "The Way We Were" is one of my all-time favorites.

7. I love my brown eyes. I used to not like them at all, and was envious of girls with beautiful blue or green eyes. I even considered buying colored contacts. But I realized that they are the same as my mom's eyes, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

8. These things make me feel loved: heartfelt hugs, sincere smiles, and the overall ease of being with people who know you well.

9. I have come to realize that sometimes I am braver than I give myself credit. I'm willing to do scary things, even if I'm terrified. These experiences have taught me not only that I can handle whatever the scary thing was, but also that I can take a chance.

10. Music will always be my first love. Oh, I will love someone more than music, that is certain; but I doubt I will ever find something I love so well.

I tag...whoever wants to do this! (Jayne, Pepper, and Niki, I know you love these things, and I'd love to hear your 10 honest things!)

image via weheartit

{Love-to-be, if you happen to be reading this: This might scare you; this much of me, all at once. It's a good chunk of my heart. But be gentle with it, and understand that I'm a work in progress. Honestly, aren't we all?}

I'll be true, I'll be useful...I'll be yours, my dear.

Love-to-Be:

I need you to know that I'm really not that needy. I think that some of these little letters only tell you what I want you to be and do and say.

This one is different. This one is about what I will be and do and say. This one is for you, from me. From the me that will someday be the girl you want to spend forever with.

For you, my dear:

I won't always be the perfect woman, but I will always be your imperfect woman.
I will say the wrong thing sometimes, maybe a lot of times; but I promise to apologize. And I'll try to be quick about it, because I detest going to bed angry.

In this letter, I asked you to fight for me and to never give up; I promise to never give up on you, and to fight for us.
Because I've never been much of a quitter.

Sometimes I'll be stubborn. And cry about nothing, or everything. And I'll want to be alone. And sometimes when I tell you I want to be alone, what I need the most is for you to take me in your arms and never let go.

{But I'm getting sidetracked, because this letter isn't about me; it's about you.}

What I'm really trying to say is that I promise to love you, and to love loving you.
Even when your hands aren't as steady as they once were, and mine are a little cracked and wrinkled.

Let's be the ones that grow older, but never grow out of the newlywed stage.


Because as scary as it is for me, I will give you my heart. More importantly, I will want to. The whole messy, fickle, ridiculous thing. All I ask is that you take it and never try to give it back. Because in this game of love, I play for keeps.

image via le love

*Dashboard never fails me. Their lyrics are the voice of my heart so often it's almost frightening.

"I think that I think too hard, and don't give enough credit to my heart"*

Sometimes someone else composes the music of my heart better than I can, at least right now. I love Holly Brook's entire album, Like Blood Like Honey, but especially the song Curious.

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like I must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
...
You know I've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
...
Will I learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul?
...
I'm so...curious to know
And there are too many unanswered questions
...
like you

image via deviant art

flawed and a bit fearful

Love-to-be:

I need you to be the kind of guy that won't back down when I tell you what I'm scared of, even if it scares you; the doubts that I have, even if they surprise you; my insecurities, even though I seem confident.

I need you to not run away, even when you find my faults. You can't be someone I need to hide from; you need to be the guy I run to. And if I get scared and run away, I need you to come after me. Sometimes I'll need you to fight for me, and remind me that I'm worth fighting for.

I need to be able to be me around you. I can be pretty good at putting on a show, but it doesn't usually last. And that's not the way it should be anyway, is it?

I need you to not give up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.

And I need you to be the sunshine in my life, when I'm in my darkest days.

And maybe this makes me sound really needy and pathetic,

but I promise: I'll do the same for you.

images via this and this

Sometimes the best things in life...

...come at the most inopportune time.

I have this issue with timing. I fight it. And I struggle to accept it.

Good things tend to come into my life right before big changes; usually those changes involve a change of location.

Maybe I'm a procrastinator when it comes to love.

I wait until the last minute to open up, care, or really look at what's in front of me.
Until it's too late.

Sometimes I think the last-minute romantic fling is the way to go. No time to get bored or lose interest or let my fickle heart play tricks on an unexpecting male. No time to get scared off or overanalyze. No time to get too attached or really fall too deep, because the end so closely follows the beginning.

Love comes to me in glimpses, in moments. Not in some lengthy affair consuming my life for months or years at a time. A moonlit kiss, a few words, a certain scent. I have not learned what little I know about love from one definite experience, but from fractions of days and weeks of almost loves. I have not learned about heartache from a single heartbreaking day, but from a variety of cracks and chips to my heart, wrinkles and wrongdoings that bruise my soul, spread out over months and years.

Maybe that's better. Because I've been able to deal with each, piece by piece, and move on. Because I've never had my world end with a single goodbye. Maybe it's preparing me for that heartbreaking day.

Or maybe not. Maybe it's training for the day when the timing will catch up with my mental clock. When someday the chips will fit together and it will feel permanent, and, most of all, I will feel at peace with that.

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

-Ida Scott Taylor

image via deviantart

I was thinking...OVERthinking

Sometimes I think that he knows.
But then I realize that it's probably just me being paranoid. ...i tend to do that.

Although really, does it matter if he knows?

It's fading. I know it is. It's not really a secret love, anyway. but it's still unnecessary for him to know.

whenever I hear someone say, (with a particular tone), "you'd really do that? for me?", I think: oh no.
I've done it again; offered to put someone else's needs above my own, when they wouldn't do the same for me. and I think that scares them.

But, a lot of times, it's not me making some incredible exception for them. It's just me, being me. I think I've always been willing to help others out, even if it's a little inconvenient for me.

It means I love them. But not usually like that. love them as a brother/sister, friend, fellow human. I have love for a lot of people. I think I feel love freely, but don't fall in love very easily. If that makes any sense.

But I guess people read into it sometimes.

{note to self: don't let people think you care, until you know they give a care about you.}

[if you're confused, look here ]