10.20.2009

to be or not to be {myself}


Maybe I've said too much...


Sometimes I feel like I tell the world, (or at least the portion of it that reads this blog), too much about myself.

I let my guard down in my little spec of the world wide web, and really put my heart out in the open. Because I feel safe here. It's my space. My world.

My problem is this: I wonder if the real me will scare him away. Sometimes I wonder what he'd think if he stumbled across this blog. It's probably a bad idea to let him see too much too soon. Maybe I need to put on the show just a little bit longer. You know, where I try to say the right things all the time. And behave as a lady should. And play by The Rules. (no I do not own a copy of that book, nor have I read it.).

But you know what I mean. Play hard to get, act mysterious. {Wow. I just realized I really stink at the whole mysterious part.}

What I'm trying to say is that life isn't like the movies, where the overly dramatic/irrational/emotional/imperfect girl gets the guy in the end, right?

Maybe I need to put up the walls again. Go back to being that girl, or appearing to be that girl. Get the fish to bite and then show him what he's in for.

But here's the other problem: I'm happy here, being me. All of me. I like this space. And I like my imperfect, messy heart. I like that my life is sometimes an open book. It's who I am.

{Even as I type, I'm debating between two choices: click the "publish" button, or save this as yet another of more than a dozen "drafts" that will probably never be exposed to the world.}

Maybe I don't even know what I'm saying. Maybe I'm just rambling, but I guess he'll find out sooner or later...

image via deviantart

4 comments:

mbterp said...

Oh honey always be yourself, it's the scariest thing in the world, but when you look back, you won't be sorry for it. Good luck

Katya said...

i like it! so true actually, i write a lot of personal-ish things on my blog, which is why i don't directly import it into facebook...

Courtney said...

I have several unpublished posts, because I'm just not sure if I want the world to know that much about me just yet. But you know what? Those kind of posts I read, the one you just wrote, are the the kind of posts that mean the most to other people. Because then they realize they aren't alone in their thoughts.

And just so you know, I'm terrible at playing those games with boys too. Don't worry though, someday they'll come around and realize those other girls they were chasing didn't end up being that great of a prize. And then they'll find us : )

Meg Fee said...

im so glad you hit the publish button.

they've done studies that men are most attracted to the smiles of women who are truly happy. hear that? not the most beautiful women, the skinniest, the blondest, the best-dressed...the HAPPIEST!

and you, my lovely, deserve happiness AND "the" guy. and he's gonna love you precisely because you are so honest and radiant. so keep publishing. keep being honest--we have to keep fighting the battle, but boy oh boy do i understand who scary it is. i'm with you. solidarity.