the downward glance

I have this bad habit.

For years, it seemed like no one remembered me.
I would meet someone (sometimes multiple times) and if we didn't see each other for a while (or even if we saw each other the next day),

I would remember, but they wouldn't.
I could tell them where we met and what we talked about, but they would reintroduce themselves like it had never happened.

So I perfected this halfway downward glance. A defense mechanism, of sorts, to protect my ego against that harsh lack of words or even a look of recognition, for those times when I passed someone in the hall or on the street that I recognized,

but I just assumed they wouldn't recognize me.

Look up, Oh look who it is, quickly-look-down-again-before-he-thinks-I'm-staring, head down, fiddle with whatever happens to be in my purse, slowly raise my gaze, just enough to check if his pupils are scanning in my direction, and if/when they aren't, look away and walk on by.

But then there is always the backward glance, just out of curiosity, to see if maybe, he realized who I was a split second too late.

I've gotten better, really, I have. I've even gotten up the nerve to be the first one to say hello. Which, believe me, is very outside-comfort zone for me.

But today, it happened again. And it was silly, really. Because I knew he would remember...but the thing is...I wanted him to speak first. Because I had the last word last time.

solitary soul

Things I love doing by myself*:

-watching movies

-shopping...because I can take my time

-getting lost in a used bookstore

-reading one of those used books, while drinking hot cocoa with a shot of hazelnut at a quaint little coffee shop.
-learning about the wonders (and not so pretty aspects) of mass transit

Next week I am going home for my friends' wedding (two friends from high school who are getting married to each other), and I get to explore the wonderful city of Portland.

I'm getting into the city in the morning, but I'm not meeting up with friends until afternoon or evening.

But, you see, I planned this.

I love exploring new places, and don't mind doing that by myself at all.
I fully plan on getting lost in Powell's City of Books for at least two hours.

After which, I will probably meander over to Mio Gelato for a bambino of donatella gelato.

I want to find a great place for lunch. I'm thinking maybe Indian food.

I'll probably spend some time at Oblation Papers & Press and Everyday Music.

But, most of all, I hope to find a new favorite place to visit when I go to Portland. A bakery, or restaurant, or record store.

And I hope to feel a bit more like a city girl, and a little bit more like a more grown up.

image via google

*this is not to say that I don't enjoy doing these things with other people.

e-e-everything is gonna be alright, rock-a-bye*

I'm so grateful.

Grateful for this wonderful gift God gave me. That even when things don't go how I want them to: I know it's going to be okay.

And I know that my definition of "okay" isn't the only definition, and isn't usually the best.

But everything will be alright.

Image via deviant art

*great song.

fun fun fun

The lovely Jayne, of the Little Passenger has nominated me for a Kreativ Blogger award. I feel so honored and loved. I know I've mentioned her blog on here before, but really, if you haven't moseyed (sp?) on over there yet....do it!

According to the rules, I must:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.


My seven things:

1) My handwriting changes all the time, depending on my mood, but it is consistently rather large and generally kind of sloppy.

2) I was in my first car wreck when I was about 7. I was driving. The car: a pink Barbie Jeep, (not mine, but the Christmas present I asked for every year after that.) My friend let me drive, and I got us stuck in a ditch. No joke, we had to get out and push. Somehow I feel that this was a defining moment in my life and the formation of who I am: I stink at driving, and I really don't like being in charge.

3) My dream job is a tie between: an actress or a T-shirt designer.

4) I've never cared too much about flowers. I mean, I think they are pretty and all, but I don't dream of a guy showing up on my doorstep with a dozen red roses. When people say "ooh, smell these! Don't they smell so good?," I generally smell and say yes, purely out of courtesy. I actually think flowers just smell....like flowers, and can't really tell the difference. Chocolate, however, is always welcome.

5) I actually like filling out forms. Especially handwritten ones, like at the doctor's office. I don't know why, I just do.

6) In kindergarten, I had a purple sweatshirt with Barney on it. One day, some little female twerp told me Barney was stupid and for babies. I never wore it again. Secretly, I still think Barney is not stupid.

7) The first music group I search for on someone's Ipod is usually Three Days Grace. The first band that comes to mind when people ask what I want to hear is Third Eye Blind. And my favorite number is 3.

And now I nominate....

Amanda & Dave from a liberation broadcast
E from all about the wordplay
BigEyes from BigEyes in a small World
Melissa from Operation Nice
Britt from No One Can Remember the End
Colby Ranae from Pray Hard. Live Easy.
Franziska from The Catcher in the Rye


happy blogging!

so I used to be adorable.

{This might put a smile on your face.}

let me be just a little bit proud

{you know what they say about life, and lemons...}

I always make lists of things I want to do/learn/accomplish. Today I am going to make a list of things I have already done. Not to be showy, but to show myself that I have done some important or interesting things in my life.

a meager list of small but significant accomplishments:

-I have been to 17 of the 50 states

-I was accepted to Brigham Young University (okay, not that hard to do, or thrilling, but still)

-I helped plan the 2009 Hunger Banquet at BYU. Which actually makes things happen.

-I worked out 4 times last week. That's kind of a big deal.

-I was a vegetarian for a year...and I learned to not detest salad.

-I make killer chicken enchiladas.

-I was determined to get the job at the restaurant I work at. And I got it. Two summers in a row.

-I recycle and do what I can to avoid unnecessary waste. I don't think that the planet is going to pot anytime soon, but I do care about the air I breathe and the ground I walk on.

-I carried four water glasses in my hands, at once. If you have ever been a server, you understand that is kind of a milestone.
-This past semester was the highest GPA I have had since high school.

-I have learned to express my feelings through words and music.

-I took Jazz 331, and worked my tail off. I have never craved criticism for improvement so much.

-I got a full-fledged A in Brent Keck's class. Boy, was I proud of that.

-I took a stupid birds class, and can now, conveniently identify a number of bird calls as well as live and used-to-be-alive specimens.

-I took a couple big leaps and wasn't afraid to fail. It's a good thing because, well, things didn't turn out the way I thought they would. Maybe that's failure. I prefer to call it: life.

{But even more than the grades, or the things I can check off my list, I learned to love. I learned to love learning and studying new things. I remembered how to love dancing, and how badly I need it in my life. I learned to love change. I learned to love people in so many different ways. I still feel very strongly that love is what life is all about.}

What else could possibly make everything else worth it?

photo via deviantart, of course

I was thinking...OVERthinking

Sometimes I think that he knows.
But then I realize that it's probably just me being paranoid. ...i tend to do that.

Although really, does it matter if he knows?

It's fading. I know it is. It's not really a secret love, anyway. but it's still unnecessary for him to know.

whenever I hear someone say, (with a particular tone), "you'd really do that? for me?", I think: oh no.
I've done it again; offered to put someone else's needs above my own, when they wouldn't do the same for me. and I think that scares them.

But, a lot of times, it's not me making some incredible exception for them. It's just me, being me. I think I've always been willing to help others out, even if it's a little inconvenient for me.

It means I love them. But not usually like that. love them as a brother/sister, friend, fellow human. I have love for a lot of people. I think I feel love freely, but don't fall in love very easily. If that makes any sense.

But I guess people read into it sometimes.

{note to self: don't let people think you care, until you know they give a care about you.}

[if you're confused, look here ]

I...

am utterly obsessed with words; those of others and my own

could spend all my money on books, music and these cards

wish to buy myself: a bob dylan LP, and a ninja turtles tee

watch the same movies over and over and over again

think robert redford is devastatingly handsome

love giving presents I know people will like

send packages and cards for no reason

annotate and underline in my books

fail the first time, but try again

can be very shy, at times

daydream constantly

love cold showers

dream of love

imagine

♥

photo via lululemon

Imagine a life...

Random Fact about me #6:

I have this rather odd habit of imagining other people's lives. And sometimes myself in them. When I am people-watching, which I tend to do quite often when I am bored, I make up what they might be like in my head. This also happens a lot when I see people in passing and catch a bit of their conversation; the beginning of a phrase, the tail end of a thought. Sometimes I finish the thought unconsciously and, without intending to, imagine an entire moment, day, experience related to it.

For example:
Today was my little brother's piano recital. There was a young family sitting in front of me. Husband, Wife, and little girl sitting in-between. NOTE: from this point on, any assumptions are purely speculative, without any solid facts.

I noticed that the woman was wearing some sort of bracelet that seemed to be related to the military, or so I assumed. (it said something about "hope, service and courage.") That and the fact that the husband had a buzz cut and looked fairly muscular made me wonder if he was in the military, and she, an army/navy/marine wife.

I wondered what I would do in that position. How I could handle it. If I could bring myself to commit and marry someone, when I knew they would have to be gone for months or years at a time, risking their lives every day. That many times, I would have to listen to people complain about the war and the government, and decide how/when/if I should speak up. He defends this country, the least I could do would be to defend him.

It would be very hard. It made me think of SheDaisy's song, "come home soon":

I put away the groceries

And I take my daily bread

I dream of your arms around me

As I tuck the kids in bed

...

I walk alone

I try alone

I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone

So please, come home soon

So to all those in the military, but also their families: I commend you. I may not always agree 100% with the government, or the wars we fight as a nation. But I will always support those who willingly choose to serve and defend this country.

Vendetta against that kind of green

Random Fact #5:

I really don't like lettuce.


People tell me that I'm crazy. That it has no flavor; that it doesn't taste like anything.


I disagree. I think it tastes like limp, water-y bits of green paper, and the only way I ever get it from mouth to stomach is if it is smothered in the creamy goodness of ranch or caesar or blue cheese.

On the inside, I really want to be a rockstar

Random Fact #4:

I write songs.**
Lots of slow, heartfelt, ballads. For some reason, it's hard for me to write a decent fast song.

I love it though. Music is such a necessary form of expression. It's an addiction.

It's actually surprisingly difficult for me to let people know about this, because music can be such a personal thing. I don't usually let people see that part of me. It makes me vulnerable. What if they don't like it or think it's stupid or want to change it?

It's branded with my name on it. It's a little part of my soul.

I'm not confident enough in my own abilities to really put myself out there and share it with very many people. I'm getting more comfortable with it, but it's still a big deal for me to let someone into that part of my life.

a favorite quote about music:

"Where words fail, Music speaks."
-Hans Christian Andersen

**Let it be known that I never said "I write hit songs." Maybe someday.**

{In case you are curious, intrigued, or baffled by this post: believe it or not, there is more! My best friend Brittany and I join forces (and voices) in our "band," Blue January. www.isabelandeden.blogspot.com.}

Yet again...

Random Fact #3:

People almost always forget my name.

Laurie, Lauren, Laurel, Lorelai, Heather, Kristen.....

In my experience, it takes someone meeting me approximately three times to actually make it stick, usually more for them to remember my name.

I wonder if this is because I don't have any particularly distinguishing features:

brown hair
brown eyes
average height

Does that mean my personality isn't very memorable either?

Either way, I've gotten pretty used to it, and I don't get offended very easily anyway. Guess that's a good thing. : )

I don't know what to do with all these thoughts in my head...

*Continuation of the "25 random things about you"*

Random Fact #2 about Laura:

I love writing.

People sometimes tell me that I'm good at it, but I really love it; because it's a refuge and a release of all that I am feeling and thinking. I am constantly making lists (of every kind), coming up with new lyrics, writing my thoughts in a journal, doodling in the margins of my notes, or scribbling blurbs on any scrap of paper I can find. Maybe that is why I like this blogging thing so much. At one time, there can be countless movie or book ideas, song titles, or monologues running through my head.

The problem is, I think I'm good at coming up with ideas; not so good with the follow-through and actual execution of these ideas.

I should probably work on that.

Carolina

A while ago, one of those "forward-esque" notes on facebook/emails/copy and paste type things circulated about posting 25 random things about yourself. I never did it before, but the thought just came to me to do it, over time, one fact at a time. So here goes:

Random Fact about Laura #1:

I am, and always will be, an Oregon girl.

(anyone who knows me well, knows how proud I am of that fact, and how much I love the trees, the rain, the lack of sales tax, and the tie-dye.)

BUT, I must say that I have significant amounts of California blood (from my mother) and Southern roots, (Charleston, South Carolina from my grandmother).


I need the beach, the pouring rain, and southern barbeque. Is that too much to ask for?


*Note: the title of this post is the title of my favorite Matt Wertz song. Check it out.