well, this cheered me up a little bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awxXPSQ5E0k

Oh Zach Morris. I adore you.

grey sky eyes

Carbon Leaf is coming to Oregon.
Next Saturday.
And I have to work.
(And I have no one to go with.)
But I love them.
I think I might cry.

let me be just a little bit proud

{you know what they say about life, and lemons...}

I always make lists of things I want to do/learn/accomplish. Today I am going to make a list of things I have already done. Not to be showy, but to show myself that I have done some important or interesting things in my life.

a meager list of small but significant accomplishments:

-I have been to 17 of the 50 states

-I was accepted to Brigham Young University (okay, not that hard to do, or thrilling, but still)

-I helped plan the 2009 Hunger Banquet at BYU. Which actually makes things happen.

-I worked out 4 times last week. That's kind of a big deal.

-I was a vegetarian for a year...and I learned to not detest salad.

-I make killer chicken enchiladas.

-I was determined to get the job at the restaurant I work at. And I got it. Two summers in a row.

-I recycle and do what I can to avoid unnecessary waste. I don't think that the planet is going to pot anytime soon, but I do care about the air I breathe and the ground I walk on.

-I carried four water glasses in my hands, at once. If you have ever been a server, you understand that is kind of a milestone.
-This past semester was the highest GPA I have had since high school.

-I have learned to express my feelings through words and music.

-I took Jazz 331, and worked my tail off. I have never craved criticism for improvement so much.

-I got a full-fledged A in Brent Keck's class. Boy, was I proud of that.

-I took a stupid birds class, and can now, conveniently identify a number of bird calls as well as live and used-to-be-alive specimens.

-I took a couple big leaps and wasn't afraid to fail. It's a good thing because, well, things didn't turn out the way I thought they would. Maybe that's failure. I prefer to call it: life.

{But even more than the grades, or the things I can check off my list, I learned to love. I learned to love learning and studying new things. I remembered how to love dancing, and how badly I need it in my life. I learned to love change. I learned to love people in so many different ways. I still feel very strongly that love is what life is all about.}

What else could possibly make everything else worth it?

photo via deviantart, of course

in your eyes, love, it glows*

Sometimes I wish I could collect moments like pennies and keep them safely in little glass jars on wooden shelves, to open anytime I please and just, remember and relive...

the smell of a ten year old birthday party...
a first kiss in the summer moonlight...

or better yet, the 2-hour conversation that led to that first kiss...

an unexpected compliment...

my grandparents still holding hands after 58 years...

the song of a first dance...

butterflies in my stomach...

a really good cry...
the complete ease of being around people who love you...
the guys I have met in my life that make me go weak at the knees...
the feeling of new friendships...
a perfect day, which consisted of nothing more than just being together...
warm summer nights, where both romances and secrets blossom...
the innocence of youth, before we all cared about being "cool"...
pure, undeniable, hope for the future...

*oh dave matthews...you make my heart happy

photo via deviantart

shake our apathy

"you hold your head like you don't know about, a thousand kids with all their clothes worn out, and you hide behind, this naive mind."

-"Shake Our Apathy", Foiled

This is such a good song. The boys of Foiled are genius. It's more than just a good song with a catchy beat; it's important. The one who wrote this song is my friend's brother, I got their CD from her last year. Just pulled it out today and am so glad I did. Check this out. {note: that was not a question, but a command :)}

another line from the song:

"it's telling you that it all will change, how is that if we all stay the same, and our eyes stay dry, no tears we cry?"

I was thinking...OVERthinking

Sometimes I think that he knows.
But then I realize that it's probably just me being paranoid. ...i tend to do that.

Although really, does it matter if he knows?

It's fading. I know it is. It's not really a secret love, anyway. but it's still unnecessary for him to know.

whenever I hear someone say, (with a particular tone), "you'd really do that? for me?", I think: oh no.
I've done it again; offered to put someone else's needs above my own, when they wouldn't do the same for me. and I think that scares them.

But, a lot of times, it's not me making some incredible exception for them. It's just me, being me. I think I've always been willing to help others out, even if it's a little inconvenient for me.

It means I love them. But not usually like that. love them as a brother/sister, friend, fellow human. I have love for a lot of people. I think I feel love freely, but don't fall in love very easily. If that makes any sense.

But I guess people read into it sometimes.

{note to self: don't let people think you care, until you know they give a care about you.}

[if you're confused, look here ]

I...

am utterly obsessed with words; those of others and my own

could spend all my money on books, music and these cards

wish to buy myself: a bob dylan LP, and a ninja turtles tee

watch the same movies over and over and over again

think robert redford is devastatingly handsome

love giving presents I know people will like

send packages and cards for no reason

annotate and underline in my books

fail the first time, but try again

can be very shy, at times

daydream constantly

love cold showers

dream of love

imagine

♥

photo via lululemon

all i need

to the future love-of-my-life:
i don't need a diamond; i'm not even sure I want any gem at all. all I really need is a thin little band around that special finger; just something that will say to everyone else that i'm yours, forever.

and i don't need a big, expensive house; just a space we can call our own, a place to build our life, and make our memories.

i don't need you to make lots of money; just enough. and we will be smart and creative with it.

{what i do need is}: for you to love me back. all of me. even the parts that are quirky and weird and don't seem to fit. the part that is stubborn and doesn't always play well with others. the part that secretly wants to give all our wealth away to feed Africa. the part that craves adventure. the part that is easily scared. the part that can be dramatic and irrational and sometimes cries for no reason. the part that is completely and utterly, human. {for you to want all that, forever. so we can say "i love you" with as much feeling at twenty-two, seventy-two, or one-million-and-two.}

that's all i need.

and you don't have to know it by our third date, or even our thirty-third date.

until you do:

pictures via this and that

today i wasted a little gas, and took some time to remember

I had half an hour to kill before I went to go meet my friend Kortney for lunch, so I went for a little drive through my childhood.

I drove all over the neighborhood of my elementary school, where most of my childhood friends lived. There are so many memories from that area and era in my life, and from the people I spent my time with. I'm still friends with a lot of the kids I went to kindergarten with, but I have lost touch with some.

I drove by Rachel's old house, which reminded me of: pool parties in the summer, the first time I saw someone drunk, late night chats with boys on MSN messenger, girls that were more popular than I, her mom's Mississippi drawl and the movie Now and Then.

I drove by two of Sarah's old houses and thought of: the witch that lived on the hill above her house, her hot tub, "snowboarding" on a sandboard down the hill when it snowed, birthday parties and smashing our faces in the cake, jumping on her trampoline and praying I wouldn't hurt myself because then my parents would find out, the yellow chiffon cake we tried to make for her mother's birthday, her brother's friends who we always thought were cute, and a certain night spent talking to a dangerously-cute Argentinian exchange student with my friend Diana.

At Emily's house I remembered: camping out in her backyard, watching Grease for the first time and not getting any of the jokes, getting sick at her birthday party and sleeping on her red beanbag, playing dress-up and putting on all sorts of makeup, borrowing clothes, and her two little dogs.

The little trip would not be complete without going by Makenzie's house. Even though we have lost touch, so much of my childhood was spent there: our "Spice Girls" fort in her backyard, making music in her living room with Emily as the Wannabes/The Space Girlz/The Cosmic Angelz, dressing up like genies for Halloween, getting ice cream cones right before ballet in her dad's truck, her infamous themed birthday parties, hilarious games of truth or dare, and playing Sonic the Hedgehog on her Sega Genesis while eating Ritz bits sandwiches and drinking Coke from champagne goblets.

I'm sure this isn't half as interesting to any of you who didn't live this life (which, frankly, is all of you), but I am feeling a little nostalgic today. Sometimes I miss those days; the innocence, and the belief I had in myself. It seems like it's a lot harder for me to believe in my dreams, than it was back then.

But I'm doing my best to believe in them, my dreams; and in myself.

reading until the wee hours of the morning.

Last night I finished the Poisonwood Bible. I read until one in the morning because I just couldn't put it down.

It is quite possibly my new favorite book.

It made me think about a lot of things: family relations, life, religion, Africa and why other countries felt (and still feel) the need to "civilize" it, change it, or convert it. I wish I had been underlining my favorite phrases throughout, but I started about a hundred pages from the end.

one simple yet profound thought:

"everything you're sure is right, can be wrong in another place." -Leah Price

That one phrase sums up 90% of what I learned in Intro to International Development, last semester. If you try to help someone/something/some country/some way of life by changing it to what you are used to, without letting it change you right back, it won't work. If I learned anything in that course, it is that it takes working with whatever you are trying to help, with the attitude of being both a teacher and a student.

Read it. It is definitely worth it.

Imagine a life...

Random Fact about me #6:

I have this rather odd habit of imagining other people's lives. And sometimes myself in them. When I am people-watching, which I tend to do quite often when I am bored, I make up what they might be like in my head. This also happens a lot when I see people in passing and catch a bit of their conversation; the beginning of a phrase, the tail end of a thought. Sometimes I finish the thought unconsciously and, without intending to, imagine an entire moment, day, experience related to it.

For example:
Today was my little brother's piano recital. There was a young family sitting in front of me. Husband, Wife, and little girl sitting in-between. NOTE: from this point on, any assumptions are purely speculative, without any solid facts.

I noticed that the woman was wearing some sort of bracelet that seemed to be related to the military, or so I assumed. (it said something about "hope, service and courage.") That and the fact that the husband had a buzz cut and looked fairly muscular made me wonder if he was in the military, and she, an army/navy/marine wife.

I wondered what I would do in that position. How I could handle it. If I could bring myself to commit and marry someone, when I knew they would have to be gone for months or years at a time, risking their lives every day. That many times, I would have to listen to people complain about the war and the government, and decide how/when/if I should speak up. He defends this country, the least I could do would be to defend him.

It would be very hard. It made me think of SheDaisy's song, "come home soon":

I put away the groceries

And I take my daily bread

I dream of your arms around me

As I tuck the kids in bed

...

I walk alone

I try alone

I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone

So please, come home soon

So to all those in the military, but also their families: I commend you. I may not always agree 100% with the government, or the wars we fight as a nation. But I will always support those who willingly choose to serve and defend this country.

operation nice.

this made me smile today.

isn't that really what life is all about?

some random thoughts from the past couple days...

some boys can be really cute when they sing obnoxious songs

sometimes when you think you are terrible at something, everyone else thinks you're doing okay

cold showers are incredibly nice on very hot days

three days off, in a row, is a beautiful thing

secret spoonfuls of spumoni somehow taste better

new cds in the mail make me giddy

100% is a beautiful score for a test

working hard and pushing yourself does the body good

making a goal feels good. meeting it feels better.

it's probably bad how I tend to swear in my head...should work on that

being a lady can be very hard and exhausting

one slice of pizza is not a full meal

i am becoming more and more of a night owl

i don't like that i didn't see my brother all day

5 days until payday= :-)

i like when people think i am a good server

tips are a beautiful thing, especially when i get to keep them

i wore shorts today and i haven't shaved my legs in a week...scandalous

i think blow-dryers should hibernate during the summer

i had a terrible dream last night, and i don't know what it means

i really want to go water-skiing. really.

life is beautiful. live it. love it. let yourself love and be loved.

image from deviantart

Today was a good day for...

sunshine

getting off my butt and going running in that beautiful sunshine

working

chats with old friends

eyeliner and blush

wavy hair

drinking ice water instead of pop

british accents

feeling tan

not getting hit on by awkward guys at work...

goo goo dolls on the radio

driving my truck

my pseudo-converse hi tops

two showers

mysteriously-disappearing allergies

determination rather than discouragement


Merry Thursday!

-lc

Love, Save the Empty

*new favorites*

musicians:
Chantal Kreviazuk
Erin McCarley


songs:
you belong with me-taylor swift
vuelve-reik
foundations-kate nash (thanks Katie, for introducing me to this one!)
gravity-john mayer

and a few old favorites, for good measure:
que vida la mia-reik (this was the first song in spanish that I listened to and could understand almost everything...it was a glorious moment)
la vie en rose-the louis armstrong version from French Kiss and the original edith piaf one.
life less ordinary-carbon leaf

*also: this post was originally going to be just about music, but I have a new favorite book: Persepolis. It's very comical, in parts, but very interesting. I'm anxious to read the second one, and to see the movie.*

the weekend.

Saturday I spent the day with my mom.

We went to the farmers market Then we made jam. Lots of it. (find more detailed posts about those here). This is my mom's way of helping me fulfill part of #2 on this list...(aka become less domestically-challenged).

We have many more projects planned for the summer. I'm pretty stoked about it. :) Maybe I'll be a little bit closer to checking off numbers 2, 3, 4, 17, and 25.

Today was a good Sunday. Caught up with some old friends at church. Family barbeque. Cupcake decorating. Home movies.

Tomorrow will be grand. No work. Just time to play with the family :).

Happy Memorial Day!

-LC

Impossible

I hate the idea of impossible. For some, it is motivating. It creates a challenge; something to be overcome.

But, tonight especially, I think it is terribly hopeless. Especially when I know that while it may not actually be impossible, it has to be impossible. For me, at least. I have to make it impossible.

I'm not making any sense, I know.

It's just that, tonight, I'm feeling a little lonesome.
A little more than usual.

Oh, how I wish i knew what life had in store for me. Because it's a little bit easier to take things one day at a time, when you know that someday something wonderful will happen. Wonderful enough to make all the others worth it.

I know it's coming, eventually. I just wish I knew when...

in case you need a laugh...

check this out.

(my way of putting a plug in for the venting blog

if you can relate, I'd love to hear stories :).

~LC

Last night...

I dreamt I kissed someone.
A few times.
With my eyes closed tight.

Because of that, I don't know who this dream boy was, or even what he looked like.

I wonder what that means.
{I always wonder what dreams mean.}

Does it mean that I didn't want to know who this guy was....

...or that I just didn't care?

little does he know...

I might like this boy. Sort of.

It is one of those irrational crushes that I know full well won't go anywhere. I mentioned him before, once, on this list.

Sometimes I wish things were different. Actually, a lot of times I wish that things were different. That we were different. That we were more compatible. That there wasn't that huge obstacle standing in the way.

There are so many facets of his personality and character that I could fall so deeply in love with. Maybe that is why I am so cautious about this, and can't let him know.

The main problem that stands in the way is that we are too different, religiously speaking, for it to work; and neither one of us would want to compromise. (and frankly, the fact that he is so committed to his own faith is one of the things I admire about him.)

But he is a good man. He might not think so, but I believe he is. He has a good heart, a good head on his shoulders, and a smile that can make me lose my train of thought. He is smart, in all the ways that really count; I've never had a particularly intellectually-stimulating conversation with him on a subject other than religion. But I can just tell.

Confession: I don't actually know him that well. Not as well as I'd like to.

I want to know his motivation in life. Why he is the way he is. What caused him to become so strong in his faith and so knowledgeable about it. What his family is like. Why he is still in this town. What he struggles with. What his weaknesses are. What makes him happy.

And, of course: what he thinks about me....does he ever think about me? That is a question I wonder about almost everyone I know. not in the sense that I have to please everyone. I'm just curious what people think about me, based on what they know about my life.

He could so easily be my summer crush. But that would be dangerous, now wouldn't it?

It's scary to let your heart really feel sometimes, isn't it? I think that too often we don't want to give our heart as much power or control as it wants because we are so afraid of falling apart. Which it often does.

The next best thing would be for him to become a good friend. Or better yet, for me to become a good friend to him. That is generally my heart's compromise to the whole falling in love/breaking my heart dilemma. I love having male best friends, and I have been lucky several times with that.

[insert borderline-sappy and somewhat random shoutout]

{Josh Cluff--you might be reading this, but you are one of my closest guy friends, if not the closest. You fill spots in my life that no female could. I probably don't tell you enough how grateful I am for that. You were many things for me this year, but most of all, you were my friend.}

But back to the point.

I don't really know why I felt particularly anxious to write about this. Or why I wanted to write about it at all. I guess writing/typing out my thoughts is one way I try to organize them and make sense of my complicated mind.

These thoughts don't even have to apply to just one boy. I guess this is kind of a collection and rambling of my thoughts about life and love.

I think there will definitely be more where this came from. So if you haven't gotten too bored and kept reading, stay tuned. :)

(Like this wasn't a long enough post already?)