Foolish Games

Shame on me for not pulling out my Jewel CD earlier this year. When I really needed it.

Shame on me for being so bad at keeping promises...to myself.

Shame on me for not treating myself and my body with the respect and care it deserves.

Shame on me for leaving without saying goodbye.

Shame on me for forgetting important things. And forgetting the importance of some things.

photo via this

so I used to be adorable.

{This might put a smile on your face.}

because it makes me happy.

I found this today in one of my boss's books about Christianity. He left it at work, and it was SUPER slow, so I was flipping through it.

I really liked it.

"If there's anything in life that we should be passionate about, it's the gospel. And I don't mean passionate only about sharing it with others. I mean passionate about thinking about it, dwelling on it, rejoicing in it, allowing it to color the way we look at the world. Only one thing can be of most importance to each of us. And only the gospel ought to be.

-C.J. Mahaney

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the times when I have the most energy, when I feel the happiest, and the most balanced, and the most passionate about life, are the times when I am putting God first.

i ...feel so popular..teehee.

{random photo from high school. just for kicks. And the shirt says, "I'm not 60, I'm $59.95 +tax!)

So Jayne from The Little Passenger tagged me to do this little survey. She has a lovely blog, and I felt special for a moment that she thought of me. Thanks, girl!

What is your current obsession?

Hmm...as lame as it sounds...I would have to say blogging...I do it every night after work. to unwind. I might be guilty of blog surfing for hours and/or blog stalking...

Coffee or tea?

Mmm..gotta go with Jayne on this one. Hot cocoa. I fancy myself quite the cocoa connoisseur. I like really dark hot cocoa, made from scratch with cocoa powder and sugar. with a shot of almond roca.

What's for dinner?

I...work at a restaurant...from 5 to 10ish almost every night. My dinner usually consists of quick gulps of lemonade behind the counter, and stale garlic bread that the cooks made too much of. Once in a while we get lucky, and they screw up on something yummy like artichoke dip.

What was the last thing you bought?

A six-inch House Special Sub sandwich from my cute little restaurant. It was gooooood.

EDIT: I also just recently bought myself a pair of red TOMS. And they shipped yesterday. : )

What are you listening to right now?

It's 12:30 and almost everyone else is asleep, so nothing. But I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald earlier when I was getting ready for work. Singing Gershwin. It doesn't get much better than that.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Chocolate Peanut Butter. From Umpqua Dairy.

What is your favorite color?

Yellow. Because it's happy. And because I am one.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe?

It's hard to pick....maybe the new black dress I got that makes me look tan....maybe my Pink Martini T-shirt, (with bleach stains, might i add. honestly don't know how those got there.)...or maybe my Lucky jeans...because they were free. Nope. I think it's my No Sweat converse hi-top knock-offs. Because they were ethically-made. Which makes my heart happy.

What is your dream job?

Working for a non-profit organization in south america.

or being an actress.

or a fashion designer.

or a really good mother, like mine.


How many times do you press the snooze button before you get up?

Half the time I don't use an alarm because I work nights, and sometimes prefer to sleep in and stay in my pajamas until I have to change into my uniform. But I usually just snooze once or twice, depending on if there is someone in the shower when I first wake up. (I find it very hard to function in the morning if I have not: brushed my teeth, gone to the bathroom, and washed my face.)


Taggage!

From the Mind of Katie

"I don't know if life is greater than death, but love was more than either."

From the Outside Looking In

Spinning Into Control

The Catcher in the Rye

The Paths My Eyes Wander Down



{In case you failed to notice (<--interjected thought: i instantly thought of the Jewel song, Foolish Games, Anyone else get that?), I am really bad at making decisions. I was only supposed to tag five people. Oh well. :). Just spreading the love a little more.}

you are what what you eat eats.

~Some Random Thoughts from my Wednesday~

I really want to see this film. And this one, too.

I just spent 30 minutes learning about chocolate. here and here. thank you, wikipedia.

I think Bob Dylan is genius.

I want to be more creative with the three Rs.

I wish I could afford to only shop at farmers markets, independent businesses, and fair trade establishments.

I might go veg again.

Some of my favorite foreign films are in french, not spanish, (the language I've studied).

I tasted world-class cheese today. seriously. they have awards to prove it. Here.

And I tasted chocolate-covered BACON. Here.

I really wouldn't mind living in Oregon the rest of my life.

I love hanging out with my mom.

I miss the MOA cafe.

I am not very good at taking naps. especially in cars.

I was told on Monday that I'm flat-footed. By a doctor. Don't know how I feel about that.

I need a bigger memory card for my camera.

I have had the sudden urge to abandon my laptop for a typewriter.

I really need to eat more vegetables.

I can't wait to pick some Bing Cherries. Pit them. Dry them. And take them back to school.

I'm thinking up a good excuse to drive out to Lighthouse Center in Umpqua.

I really like grocery shopping. Especially at cute little *overpriced* stores.

Should I take HEPE 105 over the summer??

Should I compete open in the fall????

Should I buy a bike next year??

Now that I solved the scheduling problem....i'm stressing about ballroom auditions...:-O

really stressing.

and wishing there was more I could do...

That's all, for now.

photo via deviantart

Fathers.

The restaurant where I work is located in a sort of sketchy part of town. Right next to a couple homeless shelters and a few bars.

Needless to say, it's not unusual for me to see a transient passed out on the sidewalk or a group of them outside the shelter smoking as I'm walking from my car.

Yesterday, I was thinking about fathers. And how it's very likely that many or most of these men are fathers, in some sense of the word. And even more, they have/had fathers.

Are their children somewhere, wondering where they are? Thinking about them, more than usual, on this day to honor fathers?

For some reason, it's hard for me to picture these men in any other role than the one they currently fill. I have to remind myself that once upon a time, they were babies. They were children. And teenagers. Some of them were probably devastatingly handsome or witty or talented, at one point in their lives.

But at some point, something went wrong. Whether by their own choices or by mental/physical/economic circumstances beyond their control. (I tend to be rather skeptical, and assume that poverty in this country is almost wholly the result of choices, not lack of opportunity. Although I believe that is true much of the time, I have to remind myself that it is not the only cause).

Few people expect their children to grow up and be homeless. It's just not how most people think.

But it happens.

It's hard to respect someone when you assume that their quality of life is due to drug addiction, or alcoholism.

Though we cannot help them out of the rut they may have gotten themselves into, and we should not condone such behavior, we can show compassion. Even if just in our minds. We can acknowledge them as human beings. And as citizens of this country, with the same rights we have.

I recently read the book, The Soloist, (I'm dying to see the movie). It's a true story. The story of a homeless man in Los Angeles, a former Juilliard string bassist, who struggles with schizophrenia. It's an incredible story. It doesn't have the typical Hollywood happy ending, but it is still a triumph. It's just, real.

It makes me wonder how many similar stories are waiting to be discovered, and recognized.

Anyway, this has grown into a pretty long jumble of thoughts, but really all I wanted to say was:

Happy Father's Day.

To my own dear old dad, and to all fathers. Wherever they are.

photo via deviantart

i'm reed fish

I just watched this movie.

It was...kinda weird, and kinda confusing.

But I liked it.

Surprisingly surprising.

And I just might buy the soundtrack.

PS: I never posted about another really good movie I watched: Les Choristes (The Chorus). Really good French film about a boys' school and an unconventional teacher. Sort of like a French Dead Poet's Society. Which I watched the other day too. Love that movie. So much.

Eureka! I have found the answer!

..or at least a possible solution...

The good news:
The class that conflicts with the two beginning ballroom teams is offered at another time!

The bad news:
It's once a week, for two and a half hours.


Here's my plan:
Stay registered in the section I'm in right now, but contact the professor for one of the evening sections. (hoping they won't fill up the first week of school.)
Practice my waltz and cha cha.
Maybe take a private lesson or two. (any other recommendations, Katie or Kellie?)
Audition for team.
Pray.
Then, IF I make it, hopefully add the night section.

More than you all needed to know.
But this is a serious blessing and relief.

what would I do without you?

The Script


So Britt already posted about this on her blog, but I just love these guys. Thanks for sharing, dear.

And, Britt, these are my favorite lines:
what am I supposed to say, when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain...
-Break Even

there are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world.
-The Man Who Can't Be Moved

I made the completely impulsive decision to order their CD from Amazon. Used, of course. For a whopping 6 bucks plus shipping. Worth it.

Can't wait.

photo via googleimages

i love my little town

I got up early today. (And by early, I mean, 8:27 am)

My ma and I went and picked peaches and mulberries (surprisingly really good!) at Sterken Farm U-Pick. I'm thinking peach pie this sunday is a definite possibility :).

Then we went to my new favorite little bakery, cafe & country store, Lighthouse Center. It's this adorable little place out in Umpqua. I took a quick tour, because we didn't have very much time, but was already drooling when I saw they have pistachios in bulk, organic dark chocolate, fresh produce, and fresh BREAD. I'm dying to get some of their Garlic Romano, and try their Triple Cheese. For breakfast, I got some chocolate-dipped almond biscotti. It was to-die-for.

I plan on making many a trip their way this summer.

This just further confirms my belief that it is so much more fun to shop at small independent businesses. Katie's right, they have so much character.

Mmm...small town fever. It's addicting.


{Also. I think I am this. An Ethicurean. At least I try to be. Check it out.}

photo via Think Local Umpqua Blog

It happened.

I'm FINALLY a full-fledged, no longer in training, recipient of tips, SERVER!!!

This is very exciting news for me.

Can't you tell?

Also. Today. Thursday. Was NOT terrible. (and believe me, I have had some very bad thursdays in my time).

A few things that made my thursday, slightly less than wonderful:

-weird comment from someone after I mentioned I go to college in Utah.

-my foot/ankle hurts.

-stress/sadness about how my schedule majorly conflicts with auditioning for a ballroom team next fall, and the *very slight possibility* of actually making it. Boo.

-I did not go work out. And I should have.

and they lived.

I found this on A Cup of Jo.

It's heartbreaking, but an interesting twist on the everyday fairytale.

I love the line at the end of Ever After, where it says:

"And, while Cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after, the point, gentlemen, is that they lived."

toms not bombs

I really want this T-shirt.

And some tye-dye TOMS.

Really bad.

and then I woke up.

I found him.

My dream guy.

Okay. So he just happens to be a movie star. And he just happens to always play the sensitive yet hilarious, scruffy-chinned yet classy kind of guy I always dream of dating. And I did just happen to watch Alex & Emma, where he is not only all of the above, but also, a brilliant novelist.

But last night we talked. About life. And love. And relationships. And how things can sometimes be so easy. And we were friends. Good ones. And I was hoping that it would become something more.

But, for once in my life, I was patient.

And then I woke up.

photo via google images via this

I've been feeling very blue lately...

{...in the Color Code sense of the term.}

I am technically a yellow-blue.

But, in all honesty, it's pretty close to a tie.
And which facet of my personality or which motive is emphasized changes all the time.

Maybe it's that way because I think building relationships and just simply being with people, is fun.

what's your color?

find out here.

well, this cheered me up a little bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awxXPSQ5E0k

Oh Zach Morris. I adore you.

grey sky eyes

Carbon Leaf is coming to Oregon.
Next Saturday.
And I have to work.
(And I have no one to go with.)
But I love them.
I think I might cry.

let me be just a little bit proud

{you know what they say about life, and lemons...}

I always make lists of things I want to do/learn/accomplish. Today I am going to make a list of things I have already done. Not to be showy, but to show myself that I have done some important or interesting things in my life.

a meager list of small but significant accomplishments:

-I have been to 17 of the 50 states

-I was accepted to Brigham Young University (okay, not that hard to do, or thrilling, but still)

-I helped plan the 2009 Hunger Banquet at BYU. Which actually makes things happen.

-I worked out 4 times last week. That's kind of a big deal.

-I was a vegetarian for a year...and I learned to not detest salad.

-I make killer chicken enchiladas.

-I was determined to get the job at the restaurant I work at. And I got it. Two summers in a row.

-I recycle and do what I can to avoid unnecessary waste. I don't think that the planet is going to pot anytime soon, but I do care about the air I breathe and the ground I walk on.

-I carried four water glasses in my hands, at once. If you have ever been a server, you understand that is kind of a milestone.
-This past semester was the highest GPA I have had since high school.

-I have learned to express my feelings through words and music.

-I took Jazz 331, and worked my tail off. I have never craved criticism for improvement so much.

-I got a full-fledged A in Brent Keck's class. Boy, was I proud of that.

-I took a stupid birds class, and can now, conveniently identify a number of bird calls as well as live and used-to-be-alive specimens.

-I took a couple big leaps and wasn't afraid to fail. It's a good thing because, well, things didn't turn out the way I thought they would. Maybe that's failure. I prefer to call it: life.

{But even more than the grades, or the things I can check off my list, I learned to love. I learned to love learning and studying new things. I remembered how to love dancing, and how badly I need it in my life. I learned to love change. I learned to love people in so many different ways. I still feel very strongly that love is what life is all about.}

What else could possibly make everything else worth it?

photo via deviantart, of course

in your eyes, love, it glows*

Sometimes I wish I could collect moments like pennies and keep them safely in little glass jars on wooden shelves, to open anytime I please and just, remember and relive...

the smell of a ten year old birthday party...
a first kiss in the summer moonlight...

or better yet, the 2-hour conversation that led to that first kiss...

an unexpected compliment...

my grandparents still holding hands after 58 years...

the song of a first dance...

butterflies in my stomach...

a really good cry...
the complete ease of being around people who love you...
the guys I have met in my life that make me go weak at the knees...
the feeling of new friendships...
a perfect day, which consisted of nothing more than just being together...
warm summer nights, where both romances and secrets blossom...
the innocence of youth, before we all cared about being "cool"...
pure, undeniable, hope for the future...

*oh dave matthews...you make my heart happy

photo via deviantart

shake our apathy

"you hold your head like you don't know about, a thousand kids with all their clothes worn out, and you hide behind, this naive mind."

-"Shake Our Apathy", Foiled

This is such a good song. The boys of Foiled are genius. It's more than just a good song with a catchy beat; it's important. The one who wrote this song is my friend's brother, I got their CD from her last year. Just pulled it out today and am so glad I did. Check this out. {note: that was not a question, but a command :)}

another line from the song:

"it's telling you that it all will change, how is that if we all stay the same, and our eyes stay dry, no tears we cry?"

I was thinking...OVERthinking

Sometimes I think that he knows.
But then I realize that it's probably just me being paranoid. ...i tend to do that.

Although really, does it matter if he knows?

It's fading. I know it is. It's not really a secret love, anyway. but it's still unnecessary for him to know.

whenever I hear someone say, (with a particular tone), "you'd really do that? for me?", I think: oh no.
I've done it again; offered to put someone else's needs above my own, when they wouldn't do the same for me. and I think that scares them.

But, a lot of times, it's not me making some incredible exception for them. It's just me, being me. I think I've always been willing to help others out, even if it's a little inconvenient for me.

It means I love them. But not usually like that. love them as a brother/sister, friend, fellow human. I have love for a lot of people. I think I feel love freely, but don't fall in love very easily. If that makes any sense.

But I guess people read into it sometimes.

{note to self: don't let people think you care, until you know they give a care about you.}

[if you're confused, look here ]

I...

am utterly obsessed with words; those of others and my own

could spend all my money on books, music and these cards

wish to buy myself: a bob dylan LP, and a ninja turtles tee

watch the same movies over and over and over again

think robert redford is devastatingly handsome

love giving presents I know people will like

send packages and cards for no reason

annotate and underline in my books

fail the first time, but try again

can be very shy, at times

daydream constantly

love cold showers

dream of love

imagine

♥

photo via lululemon

all i need

to the future love-of-my-life:
i don't need a diamond; i'm not even sure I want any gem at all. all I really need is a thin little band around that special finger; just something that will say to everyone else that i'm yours, forever.

and i don't need a big, expensive house; just a space we can call our own, a place to build our life, and make our memories.

i don't need you to make lots of money; just enough. and we will be smart and creative with it.

{what i do need is}: for you to love me back. all of me. even the parts that are quirky and weird and don't seem to fit. the part that is stubborn and doesn't always play well with others. the part that secretly wants to give all our wealth away to feed Africa. the part that craves adventure. the part that is easily scared. the part that can be dramatic and irrational and sometimes cries for no reason. the part that is completely and utterly, human. {for you to want all that, forever. so we can say "i love you" with as much feeling at twenty-two, seventy-two, or one-million-and-two.}

that's all i need.

and you don't have to know it by our third date, or even our thirty-third date.

until you do:

pictures via this and that

today i wasted a little gas, and took some time to remember

I had half an hour to kill before I went to go meet my friend Kortney for lunch, so I went for a little drive through my childhood.

I drove all over the neighborhood of my elementary school, where most of my childhood friends lived. There are so many memories from that area and era in my life, and from the people I spent my time with. I'm still friends with a lot of the kids I went to kindergarten with, but I have lost touch with some.

I drove by Rachel's old house, which reminded me of: pool parties in the summer, the first time I saw someone drunk, late night chats with boys on MSN messenger, girls that were more popular than I, her mom's Mississippi drawl and the movie Now and Then.

I drove by two of Sarah's old houses and thought of: the witch that lived on the hill above her house, her hot tub, "snowboarding" on a sandboard down the hill when it snowed, birthday parties and smashing our faces in the cake, jumping on her trampoline and praying I wouldn't hurt myself because then my parents would find out, the yellow chiffon cake we tried to make for her mother's birthday, her brother's friends who we always thought were cute, and a certain night spent talking to a dangerously-cute Argentinian exchange student with my friend Diana.

At Emily's house I remembered: camping out in her backyard, watching Grease for the first time and not getting any of the jokes, getting sick at her birthday party and sleeping on her red beanbag, playing dress-up and putting on all sorts of makeup, borrowing clothes, and her two little dogs.

The little trip would not be complete without going by Makenzie's house. Even though we have lost touch, so much of my childhood was spent there: our "Spice Girls" fort in her backyard, making music in her living room with Emily as the Wannabes/The Space Girlz/The Cosmic Angelz, dressing up like genies for Halloween, getting ice cream cones right before ballet in her dad's truck, her infamous themed birthday parties, hilarious games of truth or dare, and playing Sonic the Hedgehog on her Sega Genesis while eating Ritz bits sandwiches and drinking Coke from champagne goblets.

I'm sure this isn't half as interesting to any of you who didn't live this life (which, frankly, is all of you), but I am feeling a little nostalgic today. Sometimes I miss those days; the innocence, and the belief I had in myself. It seems like it's a lot harder for me to believe in my dreams, than it was back then.

But I'm doing my best to believe in them, my dreams; and in myself.

reading until the wee hours of the morning.

Last night I finished the Poisonwood Bible. I read until one in the morning because I just couldn't put it down.

It is quite possibly my new favorite book.

It made me think about a lot of things: family relations, life, religion, Africa and why other countries felt (and still feel) the need to "civilize" it, change it, or convert it. I wish I had been underlining my favorite phrases throughout, but I started about a hundred pages from the end.

one simple yet profound thought:

"everything you're sure is right, can be wrong in another place." -Leah Price

That one phrase sums up 90% of what I learned in Intro to International Development, last semester. If you try to help someone/something/some country/some way of life by changing it to what you are used to, without letting it change you right back, it won't work. If I learned anything in that course, it is that it takes working with whatever you are trying to help, with the attitude of being both a teacher and a student.

Read it. It is definitely worth it.