more than just a pair of shoes

I really like this.

My favorite part is:

"it's time to get greedy for the stuff that really matters"

And the shoes are pretty rad too.

Too bad they are way out of my budget.

At least for now.

Maybe I'll splurge...

next summer.

like mother, like daughter

Yesterday I baked. I know, this is a rare occurrence, no? But I have been wanting to hone my domestic talents, or possibly, create some. Anyway, these lemon-blueberry scones (thank you, allrecipes.com) were scrumptious and super easy to make.

If I can do it, anyone can. :-)

{In true "Flavors of the Umpqua"-style, I should mention that the blueberries were picked locally by my mom, dad, and little brother, and we get our eggs from a lady at church who has chickens.}

photo via mi madre,

way more artistic than I could have done.

da da dadadaDAda dadadaDAda nanananaaa

This video is hilarious.

Check it out.

"you'll never look at dinner the same way"

I saw this on Monday at this funky funeral home-turned movie cinema called The Bijou in Eugene, (my mom already posted about it here). I haven't read as much about this subject as my mother has, so a lot of it was new information (though I would like to). I thought the movie was very well-done and interesting.

Although a lot of it focuses on the negative aspects of the way we eat and produce food, raising awareness, (which I feel is necessary and beneficial) it ended on a very positive note with this bright idea about the power of the consumer:

you can vote, three times a day.
you can change the world...with every bite.

my neighborhood

I was thinking the other day about communities. And neighborhoods. And neighbors.

And blogging. And some of my blogging friends.

A community, a circle, a group, a neighborhood, whatever you like to call it, is a support system. It's a place where you are free. Free, just to be. And be you, however you turn out that day. And there is someone there to laugh or cry with you, or say something that makes you feel better.

When Micaela writes a heart-wrenching post, I feel for her. And know that she and I are similar, in some ways. That we feel things deeply. And that we love easily.

When Jayne posts something hilariously witty, or utterly literary, I bask in the glory of her words. And I laugh out loud. She's brave enough to follow her dreams, and think that is beautiful.

When Pepper puts up pictures of her crafty genius, I envy her talent and smile a little more that day. She has such spice for life, and I love that.

The difference between these women and some of my other blogging friends is this: I only know them through their blogs. And their comments on my blog.

I've never watched movies all night with Micaela, gone used bookstore hunting with Jayne, or had a craft day with Pepper. But these are women that I have grown to respect, love, and sincerely care about.

Because, you see, these are some of my neighbors, in this neighborhood of bloggers. As a whole, it is a worldwide network; but for me, it's not too big. For now. Just a few comments at the finish of my thoughts.

But that's okay, because I've always been a small-town girl.

{And to all my blogging friends, the ones I have and have not met, thanks for stopping by my little corner of the world. Come again soon!}

photo via deviantart

Some things are best left between a girl and her {heart.}*

{edit:} this post is not referring to one, specific boy from my past. maybe it's actually about the next boy to break my heart. if that's the way it will go. and maybe, also, the little pieces of my heart that have been put back together, but still, in a way, belong to the past. the little wrongs I have forgiven, but haven't quite forgotten. Regardless, these are my thoughts.

Love-to-be:

Please forgive me for complaining about a boy. Once again. A boy that is not you. But some other boy that will still be tugging on my heart.

Don't think I will never get over it; I will.

Don't think I will never love you fully; I will.

But, unless you are the next boy I meet,

I will have some getting-over to take care of.

But please, please don't give up on me.

I know I'm a mess. But at least I know it, right?

I know I make mistakes. Stupid ones. And I say the wrong thing. A lot. I'm not perfect. I'm not almost perfect.

Please trust me when I say that I will love you deeper than you can imagine. And I will let you love me, even when I don't think I deserve it. And I will become very attached. (Even though, as I'm sure you have figured out by now, I am pretty independent.) And I will add flavor to your days, and color to your moonlights.

Know that I trust my instincts and I follow my heart.

And my heart is headed in your direction:

But, you see, it's kind of big. And heavy. But I'm letting some things go, along the way. Some old things that I don't need anymore.

And it feels really good, because I'm making room for you.

image via deviantart

*Carbon Leaf, I changed the last word. Forgive me :)

a lovely manifesto

I found this from A Lot To Say, one of my new favorite "green" T-shirt companies. (dare I say, maybe exactly the kind of company I would love to work for?)



Our Manifesto



If you think something, say it.
If you believe something, say it.
If you want something, say it.
Because saying it creates new awareness.
Awareness sparks new behavior.
And new behavior inspires us all to be better.
If we speak out, others will act out.
To vote. Recycle. Save.
To think a little more.
To try a little harder.
To live more honestly.
Thoughtfully. Joyfully.
You have a lot to say.
So never be afraid to say it.
Or wear it.
Everyday.



{now, obviously, saying everything you think, could be a not-so-good idea. But I think this is beautiful and very positive.}

summer update

So...remember this list?

Summer is more than halfway over....so here are the updates:
1--hmmm..not yet..
2--okay, give me credit. I've tried to job shadow a friend a couple times, but it just hasn't worked out yet. But we're still trying!
3--I've learned a little bit more. To quote my mother, I don't just need to learn how to cook, I need to "learn how to eat." Okay, I'm sort of a really picky eater. Gimme a break, I'm trying...and I got it from her! lol
4--Oh have I ever! It might be a more-than-weekly occurrence that we share a slice of cheesecake as a staff, because it was "too old" or mutilated in some way.
5--YES! I've been at least 4 times. And definitely plan on going a couple more before I leave.
6--YES! I went to many of Kevin's baseball games. I only missed a few because of work.
7--...so far, so good. I think.
8--not yet....but Kellie and I are working it out:-).
9--YES! Although this list is never "done," I have read: Speak, The Poisonwood Bible, Persepolis, some poems from The Forgiveness Parade, and I'm currently Zorro.
10--YES! I've been keeping a scripture journal pretty regularly, to write my thoughts as I'm studying. And I've been writing in my regular journal pretty often, too.
11--YES! :)

I still want to read more....and work on the first 4 goals....and enjoy summer. But I still have a little over a month :-)

{Did you hear that, college friends? I'll be back... in almost a month:) hehe}

hum-dum-dee-dum

My friends are getting married.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that. Really, I am.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that. Really, I am. Most of the time.

But sometimes, it can be hard.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else. And here I am.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else. And here I am. Happy, but alone.

And I wonder why.

And I wonder why I am so independent.

And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself.
And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself. my-lonely-self.
And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself. my-lonely-self. Instead of someone else.

Because I'm not.

Because I'm not that girl.

Because I'm not that girl you know.
Because I'm not that girl. you know, the one who's always a girlfriend.

Because I'm not that girl. you know, the one who's always a girlfriend. And never just, a girl.

I am just me.
I am just me, and I'm learning.
I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love.
I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love. And loving myself first.

I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love. And loving myself first. Because, for now, that is enough.

photo via deviantart

Pencil marks, chocolate smudges, and battered dustjackets

Yesterday I was in a bookstore. One of my favorite bookstores.
I stood in one aisle of the Blue Room, holding two books in my hands. Two copies of the same book.

*the first: new, paperback, smelling of freshly printed paper, smaller/more portable, and also 3 dollars more.

*the second: used, hardcover with a slightly battered dustjacket, thick, musty pages, and the binding a little curved.

I stood there for at least ten minutes, trying to decide which to buy. It was not a matter of whether or not I would buy the book; that had already been decided when I looked up the author's last name, eagerly scanned the shelves, and stood on tiptoes to reach the two books. It was a choice of new vs. used, or new vs. new-to-you.

I have always felt that used books have more character. That if they are well-worn, it means they have been well-loved. That if the binding is curved or the cover is a little tattered, it's because it has been opened again and again to reread a favorite passage, or that the former owner took it everywhere with them because they just couldn't put it down.

One of my mother's cookbooks, when opened, immediately falls to her favorite brownie recipe. The page is scattered with annotations, adaptations, and a few smudges of chocolate. I love that. That's not just how cooking should be; it's how life should be.

We try to do our best, and take the best care of ourselves. And that is a very good thing. But sometimes we screw up, and our pages get a few smudges, and the dustjacket gets a few tears (or we lose it altogether), or we add pistachios to the mix, and later decide that made one terrible batch of brownies. And sometimes, much as we try, we don't learn from our mistakes the first time. Sometimes we must revisit that painful passage again (and again), to catch the whole lesson.

But at some point, when the screwing up has paused for a moment: we put ourselves back together, smooth out our edges as much as we can, and stand tall, knowing that someone will love us better for our scars, for our failed attempts at perfect life, and for the story no one else can tell.

{After several minutes of mental deliberation, I chose the sullied script over the virgin text.}

Somehow I know I will love this book. And I think I will love it even more because it has been loved by someone before me.

photo via deviantart

music is poetry that gets stuck in your head

{I know, I know, I talk about music a lot. If that bores you, well, there is a little "x" in the top-right corner that can solve your problem ;)}

Life for the past few days:

~The Script has constantly been playing in my stereo

~Many-a-Regina Spektor video has been watched on youtube, including repeats of "real love (cover of John Lennon song)," "dance anthem of the 80's" and "samson."

~I really want to teach myself guitar.

~we listened to many-a-favorite Dave Matthews Band song closing the restaurant a few nights ago.

~I think that singing in the car is a wonderful alternative to commercials, or lousy sets on the radio. it is also an excellent atmosphere for lyrical and harmonical experimentation, because no one can laugh at the generally unorganized, sometimes flat, and often repetitive me. :)

[I realized today that I actually forgot some of the words to Sara Bareilles' song, "Between the Lines." I was surprised and sad for a minute, because it is such a beautiful song. And that song got my 19-year-old self through some rough days, it so perfectly articulated how I felt. But now it is kind of wonderful to know that chapter in my life is closed, and has been for a while. {This is not a recent development, but a recent realization of a continual truth.}]

It is so freeing to have to choose to remember. To move on, without those lyrics in the back of my mind.

and on a totally random, but completely necessary note:

Happy Independence Day, tomorrow!

I will be enjoying:

-an excellent firework show at a local high school's football field

-the night off, with my family

-something wonderful for dinner, because my mom will be making it:)

-and a star-spangled cake made by my darling 10-year old brother out of strawberry and vanilla cake, and blueberries.

photo via vi.sualize.us

you are my sweetest downfall

This song has been running through my head all day, and yesterday.
I have always found the story of Samson and Delilah terribly, hopelessly, depressingly, romantic.
And I always wish we knew more about it.

photo via vi.sualize.us

Foolish Games

Shame on me for not pulling out my Jewel CD earlier this year. When I really needed it.

Shame on me for being so bad at keeping promises...to myself.

Shame on me for not treating myself and my body with the respect and care it deserves.

Shame on me for leaving without saying goodbye.

Shame on me for forgetting important things. And forgetting the importance of some things.

photo via this

so I used to be adorable.

{This might put a smile on your face.}

because it makes me happy.

I found this today in one of my boss's books about Christianity. He left it at work, and it was SUPER slow, so I was flipping through it.

I really liked it.

"If there's anything in life that we should be passionate about, it's the gospel. And I don't mean passionate only about sharing it with others. I mean passionate about thinking about it, dwelling on it, rejoicing in it, allowing it to color the way we look at the world. Only one thing can be of most importance to each of us. And only the gospel ought to be.

-C.J. Mahaney

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the times when I have the most energy, when I feel the happiest, and the most balanced, and the most passionate about life, are the times when I am putting God first.

i ...feel so popular..teehee.

{random photo from high school. just for kicks. And the shirt says, "I'm not 60, I'm $59.95 +tax!)

So Jayne from The Little Passenger tagged me to do this little survey. She has a lovely blog, and I felt special for a moment that she thought of me. Thanks, girl!

What is your current obsession?

Hmm...as lame as it sounds...I would have to say blogging...I do it every night after work. to unwind. I might be guilty of blog surfing for hours and/or blog stalking...

Coffee or tea?

Mmm..gotta go with Jayne on this one. Hot cocoa. I fancy myself quite the cocoa connoisseur. I like really dark hot cocoa, made from scratch with cocoa powder and sugar. with a shot of almond roca.

What's for dinner?

I...work at a restaurant...from 5 to 10ish almost every night. My dinner usually consists of quick gulps of lemonade behind the counter, and stale garlic bread that the cooks made too much of. Once in a while we get lucky, and they screw up on something yummy like artichoke dip.

What was the last thing you bought?

A six-inch House Special Sub sandwich from my cute little restaurant. It was gooooood.

EDIT: I also just recently bought myself a pair of red TOMS. And they shipped yesterday. : )

What are you listening to right now?

It's 12:30 and almost everyone else is asleep, so nothing. But I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald earlier when I was getting ready for work. Singing Gershwin. It doesn't get much better than that.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Chocolate Peanut Butter. From Umpqua Dairy.

What is your favorite color?

Yellow. Because it's happy. And because I am one.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe?

It's hard to pick....maybe the new black dress I got that makes me look tan....maybe my Pink Martini T-shirt, (with bleach stains, might i add. honestly don't know how those got there.)...or maybe my Lucky jeans...because they were free. Nope. I think it's my No Sweat converse hi-top knock-offs. Because they were ethically-made. Which makes my heart happy.

What is your dream job?

Working for a non-profit organization in south america.

or being an actress.

or a fashion designer.

or a really good mother, like mine.


How many times do you press the snooze button before you get up?

Half the time I don't use an alarm because I work nights, and sometimes prefer to sleep in and stay in my pajamas until I have to change into my uniform. But I usually just snooze once or twice, depending on if there is someone in the shower when I first wake up. (I find it very hard to function in the morning if I have not: brushed my teeth, gone to the bathroom, and washed my face.)


Taggage!

From the Mind of Katie

"I don't know if life is greater than death, but love was more than either."

From the Outside Looking In

Spinning Into Control

The Catcher in the Rye

The Paths My Eyes Wander Down



{In case you failed to notice (<--interjected thought: i instantly thought of the Jewel song, Foolish Games, Anyone else get that?), I am really bad at making decisions. I was only supposed to tag five people. Oh well. :). Just spreading the love a little more.}

you are what what you eat eats.

~Some Random Thoughts from my Wednesday~

I really want to see this film. And this one, too.

I just spent 30 minutes learning about chocolate. here and here. thank you, wikipedia.

I think Bob Dylan is genius.

I want to be more creative with the three Rs.

I wish I could afford to only shop at farmers markets, independent businesses, and fair trade establishments.

I might go veg again.

Some of my favorite foreign films are in french, not spanish, (the language I've studied).

I tasted world-class cheese today. seriously. they have awards to prove it. Here.

And I tasted chocolate-covered BACON. Here.

I really wouldn't mind living in Oregon the rest of my life.

I love hanging out with my mom.

I miss the MOA cafe.

I am not very good at taking naps. especially in cars.

I was told on Monday that I'm flat-footed. By a doctor. Don't know how I feel about that.

I need a bigger memory card for my camera.

I have had the sudden urge to abandon my laptop for a typewriter.

I really need to eat more vegetables.

I can't wait to pick some Bing Cherries. Pit them. Dry them. And take them back to school.

I'm thinking up a good excuse to drive out to Lighthouse Center in Umpqua.

I really like grocery shopping. Especially at cute little *overpriced* stores.

Should I take HEPE 105 over the summer??

Should I compete open in the fall????

Should I buy a bike next year??

Now that I solved the scheduling problem....i'm stressing about ballroom auditions...:-O

really stressing.

and wishing there was more I could do...

That's all, for now.

photo via deviantart

Fathers.

The restaurant where I work is located in a sort of sketchy part of town. Right next to a couple homeless shelters and a few bars.

Needless to say, it's not unusual for me to see a transient passed out on the sidewalk or a group of them outside the shelter smoking as I'm walking from my car.

Yesterday, I was thinking about fathers. And how it's very likely that many or most of these men are fathers, in some sense of the word. And even more, they have/had fathers.

Are their children somewhere, wondering where they are? Thinking about them, more than usual, on this day to honor fathers?

For some reason, it's hard for me to picture these men in any other role than the one they currently fill. I have to remind myself that once upon a time, they were babies. They were children. And teenagers. Some of them were probably devastatingly handsome or witty or talented, at one point in their lives.

But at some point, something went wrong. Whether by their own choices or by mental/physical/economic circumstances beyond their control. (I tend to be rather skeptical, and assume that poverty in this country is almost wholly the result of choices, not lack of opportunity. Although I believe that is true much of the time, I have to remind myself that it is not the only cause).

Few people expect their children to grow up and be homeless. It's just not how most people think.

But it happens.

It's hard to respect someone when you assume that their quality of life is due to drug addiction, or alcoholism.

Though we cannot help them out of the rut they may have gotten themselves into, and we should not condone such behavior, we can show compassion. Even if just in our minds. We can acknowledge them as human beings. And as citizens of this country, with the same rights we have.

I recently read the book, The Soloist, (I'm dying to see the movie). It's a true story. The story of a homeless man in Los Angeles, a former Juilliard string bassist, who struggles with schizophrenia. It's an incredible story. It doesn't have the typical Hollywood happy ending, but it is still a triumph. It's just, real.

It makes me wonder how many similar stories are waiting to be discovered, and recognized.

Anyway, this has grown into a pretty long jumble of thoughts, but really all I wanted to say was:

Happy Father's Day.

To my own dear old dad, and to all fathers. Wherever they are.

photo via deviantart

i'm reed fish

I just watched this movie.

It was...kinda weird, and kinda confusing.

But I liked it.

Surprisingly surprising.

And I just might buy the soundtrack.

PS: I never posted about another really good movie I watched: Les Choristes (The Chorus). Really good French film about a boys' school and an unconventional teacher. Sort of like a French Dead Poet's Society. Which I watched the other day too. Love that movie. So much.

Eureka! I have found the answer!

..or at least a possible solution...

The good news:
The class that conflicts with the two beginning ballroom teams is offered at another time!

The bad news:
It's once a week, for two and a half hours.


Here's my plan:
Stay registered in the section I'm in right now, but contact the professor for one of the evening sections. (hoping they won't fill up the first week of school.)
Practice my waltz and cha cha.
Maybe take a private lesson or two. (any other recommendations, Katie or Kellie?)
Audition for team.
Pray.
Then, IF I make it, hopefully add the night section.

More than you all needed to know.
But this is a serious blessing and relief.

what would I do without you?

The Script


So Britt already posted about this on her blog, but I just love these guys. Thanks for sharing, dear.

And, Britt, these are my favorite lines:
what am I supposed to say, when I'm all choked up that you're okay?
oh you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain...
-Break Even

there are no holes in his shoes, but a big hole in his world.
-The Man Who Can't Be Moved

I made the completely impulsive decision to order their CD from Amazon. Used, of course. For a whopping 6 bucks plus shipping. Worth it.

Can't wait.

photo via googleimages

i love my little town

I got up early today. (And by early, I mean, 8:27 am)

My ma and I went and picked peaches and mulberries (surprisingly really good!) at Sterken Farm U-Pick. I'm thinking peach pie this sunday is a definite possibility :).

Then we went to my new favorite little bakery, cafe & country store, Lighthouse Center. It's this adorable little place out in Umpqua. I took a quick tour, because we didn't have very much time, but was already drooling when I saw they have pistachios in bulk, organic dark chocolate, fresh produce, and fresh BREAD. I'm dying to get some of their Garlic Romano, and try their Triple Cheese. For breakfast, I got some chocolate-dipped almond biscotti. It was to-die-for.

I plan on making many a trip their way this summer.

This just further confirms my belief that it is so much more fun to shop at small independent businesses. Katie's right, they have so much character.

Mmm...small town fever. It's addicting.


{Also. I think I am this. An Ethicurean. At least I try to be. Check it out.}

photo via Think Local Umpqua Blog

It happened.

I'm FINALLY a full-fledged, no longer in training, recipient of tips, SERVER!!!

This is very exciting news for me.

Can't you tell?

Also. Today. Thursday. Was NOT terrible. (and believe me, I have had some very bad thursdays in my time).

A few things that made my thursday, slightly less than wonderful:

-weird comment from someone after I mentioned I go to college in Utah.

-my foot/ankle hurts.

-stress/sadness about how my schedule majorly conflicts with auditioning for a ballroom team next fall, and the *very slight possibility* of actually making it. Boo.

-I did not go work out. And I should have.

and they lived.

I found this on A Cup of Jo.

It's heartbreaking, but an interesting twist on the everyday fairytale.

I love the line at the end of Ever After, where it says:

"And, while Cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after, the point, gentlemen, is that they lived."

toms not bombs

I really want this T-shirt.

And some tye-dye TOMS.

Really bad.

and then I woke up.

I found him.

My dream guy.

Okay. So he just happens to be a movie star. And he just happens to always play the sensitive yet hilarious, scruffy-chinned yet classy kind of guy I always dream of dating. And I did just happen to watch Alex & Emma, where he is not only all of the above, but also, a brilliant novelist.

But last night we talked. About life. And love. And relationships. And how things can sometimes be so easy. And we were friends. Good ones. And I was hoping that it would become something more.

But, for once in my life, I was patient.

And then I woke up.

photo via google images via this

I've been feeling very blue lately...

{...in the Color Code sense of the term.}

I am technically a yellow-blue.

But, in all honesty, it's pretty close to a tie.
And which facet of my personality or which motive is emphasized changes all the time.

Maybe it's that way because I think building relationships and just simply being with people, is fun.

what's your color?

find out here.

well, this cheered me up a little bit.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=awxXPSQ5E0k

Oh Zach Morris. I adore you.

grey sky eyes

Carbon Leaf is coming to Oregon.
Next Saturday.
And I have to work.
(And I have no one to go with.)
But I love them.
I think I might cry.

let me be just a little bit proud

{you know what they say about life, and lemons...}

I always make lists of things I want to do/learn/accomplish. Today I am going to make a list of things I have already done. Not to be showy, but to show myself that I have done some important or interesting things in my life.

a meager list of small but significant accomplishments:

-I have been to 17 of the 50 states

-I was accepted to Brigham Young University (okay, not that hard to do, or thrilling, but still)

-I helped plan the 2009 Hunger Banquet at BYU. Which actually makes things happen.

-I worked out 4 times last week. That's kind of a big deal.

-I was a vegetarian for a year...and I learned to not detest salad.

-I make killer chicken enchiladas.

-I was determined to get the job at the restaurant I work at. And I got it. Two summers in a row.

-I recycle and do what I can to avoid unnecessary waste. I don't think that the planet is going to pot anytime soon, but I do care about the air I breathe and the ground I walk on.

-I carried four water glasses in my hands, at once. If you have ever been a server, you understand that is kind of a milestone.
-This past semester was the highest GPA I have had since high school.

-I have learned to express my feelings through words and music.

-I took Jazz 331, and worked my tail off. I have never craved criticism for improvement so much.

-I got a full-fledged A in Brent Keck's class. Boy, was I proud of that.

-I took a stupid birds class, and can now, conveniently identify a number of bird calls as well as live and used-to-be-alive specimens.

-I took a couple big leaps and wasn't afraid to fail. It's a good thing because, well, things didn't turn out the way I thought they would. Maybe that's failure. I prefer to call it: life.

{But even more than the grades, or the things I can check off my list, I learned to love. I learned to love learning and studying new things. I remembered how to love dancing, and how badly I need it in my life. I learned to love change. I learned to love people in so many different ways. I still feel very strongly that love is what life is all about.}

What else could possibly make everything else worth it?

photo via deviantart, of course

in your eyes, love, it glows*

Sometimes I wish I could collect moments like pennies and keep them safely in little glass jars on wooden shelves, to open anytime I please and just, remember and relive...

the smell of a ten year old birthday party...
a first kiss in the summer moonlight...

or better yet, the 2-hour conversation that led to that first kiss...

an unexpected compliment...

my grandparents still holding hands after 58 years...

the song of a first dance...

butterflies in my stomach...

a really good cry...
the complete ease of being around people who love you...
the guys I have met in my life that make me go weak at the knees...
the feeling of new friendships...
a perfect day, which consisted of nothing more than just being together...
warm summer nights, where both romances and secrets blossom...
the innocence of youth, before we all cared about being "cool"...
pure, undeniable, hope for the future...

*oh dave matthews...you make my heart happy

photo via deviantart

shake our apathy

"you hold your head like you don't know about, a thousand kids with all their clothes worn out, and you hide behind, this naive mind."

-"Shake Our Apathy", Foiled

This is such a good song. The boys of Foiled are genius. It's more than just a good song with a catchy beat; it's important. The one who wrote this song is my friend's brother, I got their CD from her last year. Just pulled it out today and am so glad I did. Check this out. {note: that was not a question, but a command :)}

another line from the song:

"it's telling you that it all will change, how is that if we all stay the same, and our eyes stay dry, no tears we cry?"

I was thinking...OVERthinking

Sometimes I think that he knows.
But then I realize that it's probably just me being paranoid. ...i tend to do that.

Although really, does it matter if he knows?

It's fading. I know it is. It's not really a secret love, anyway. but it's still unnecessary for him to know.

whenever I hear someone say, (with a particular tone), "you'd really do that? for me?", I think: oh no.
I've done it again; offered to put someone else's needs above my own, when they wouldn't do the same for me. and I think that scares them.

But, a lot of times, it's not me making some incredible exception for them. It's just me, being me. I think I've always been willing to help others out, even if it's a little inconvenient for me.

It means I love them. But not usually like that. love them as a brother/sister, friend, fellow human. I have love for a lot of people. I think I feel love freely, but don't fall in love very easily. If that makes any sense.

But I guess people read into it sometimes.

{note to self: don't let people think you care, until you know they give a care about you.}

[if you're confused, look here ]

I...

am utterly obsessed with words; those of others and my own

could spend all my money on books, music and these cards

wish to buy myself: a bob dylan LP, and a ninja turtles tee

watch the same movies over and over and over again

think robert redford is devastatingly handsome

love giving presents I know people will like

send packages and cards for no reason

annotate and underline in my books

fail the first time, but try again

can be very shy, at times

daydream constantly

love cold showers

dream of love

imagine

♥

photo via lululemon

all i need

to the future love-of-my-life:
i don't need a diamond; i'm not even sure I want any gem at all. all I really need is a thin little band around that special finger; just something that will say to everyone else that i'm yours, forever.

and i don't need a big, expensive house; just a space we can call our own, a place to build our life, and make our memories.

i don't need you to make lots of money; just enough. and we will be smart and creative with it.

{what i do need is}: for you to love me back. all of me. even the parts that are quirky and weird and don't seem to fit. the part that is stubborn and doesn't always play well with others. the part that secretly wants to give all our wealth away to feed Africa. the part that craves adventure. the part that is easily scared. the part that can be dramatic and irrational and sometimes cries for no reason. the part that is completely and utterly, human. {for you to want all that, forever. so we can say "i love you" with as much feeling at twenty-two, seventy-two, or one-million-and-two.}

that's all i need.

and you don't have to know it by our third date, or even our thirty-third date.

until you do:

pictures via this and that

today i wasted a little gas, and took some time to remember

I had half an hour to kill before I went to go meet my friend Kortney for lunch, so I went for a little drive through my childhood.

I drove all over the neighborhood of my elementary school, where most of my childhood friends lived. There are so many memories from that area and era in my life, and from the people I spent my time with. I'm still friends with a lot of the kids I went to kindergarten with, but I have lost touch with some.

I drove by Rachel's old house, which reminded me of: pool parties in the summer, the first time I saw someone drunk, late night chats with boys on MSN messenger, girls that were more popular than I, her mom's Mississippi drawl and the movie Now and Then.

I drove by two of Sarah's old houses and thought of: the witch that lived on the hill above her house, her hot tub, "snowboarding" on a sandboard down the hill when it snowed, birthday parties and smashing our faces in the cake, jumping on her trampoline and praying I wouldn't hurt myself because then my parents would find out, the yellow chiffon cake we tried to make for her mother's birthday, her brother's friends who we always thought were cute, and a certain night spent talking to a dangerously-cute Argentinian exchange student with my friend Diana.

At Emily's house I remembered: camping out in her backyard, watching Grease for the first time and not getting any of the jokes, getting sick at her birthday party and sleeping on her red beanbag, playing dress-up and putting on all sorts of makeup, borrowing clothes, and her two little dogs.

The little trip would not be complete without going by Makenzie's house. Even though we have lost touch, so much of my childhood was spent there: our "Spice Girls" fort in her backyard, making music in her living room with Emily as the Wannabes/The Space Girlz/The Cosmic Angelz, dressing up like genies for Halloween, getting ice cream cones right before ballet in her dad's truck, her infamous themed birthday parties, hilarious games of truth or dare, and playing Sonic the Hedgehog on her Sega Genesis while eating Ritz bits sandwiches and drinking Coke from champagne goblets.

I'm sure this isn't half as interesting to any of you who didn't live this life (which, frankly, is all of you), but I am feeling a little nostalgic today. Sometimes I miss those days; the innocence, and the belief I had in myself. It seems like it's a lot harder for me to believe in my dreams, than it was back then.

But I'm doing my best to believe in them, my dreams; and in myself.

reading until the wee hours of the morning.

Last night I finished the Poisonwood Bible. I read until one in the morning because I just couldn't put it down.

It is quite possibly my new favorite book.

It made me think about a lot of things: family relations, life, religion, Africa and why other countries felt (and still feel) the need to "civilize" it, change it, or convert it. I wish I had been underlining my favorite phrases throughout, but I started about a hundred pages from the end.

one simple yet profound thought:

"everything you're sure is right, can be wrong in another place." -Leah Price

That one phrase sums up 90% of what I learned in Intro to International Development, last semester. If you try to help someone/something/some country/some way of life by changing it to what you are used to, without letting it change you right back, it won't work. If I learned anything in that course, it is that it takes working with whatever you are trying to help, with the attitude of being both a teacher and a student.

Read it. It is definitely worth it.

Imagine a life...

Random Fact about me #6:

I have this rather odd habit of imagining other people's lives. And sometimes myself in them. When I am people-watching, which I tend to do quite often when I am bored, I make up what they might be like in my head. This also happens a lot when I see people in passing and catch a bit of their conversation; the beginning of a phrase, the tail end of a thought. Sometimes I finish the thought unconsciously and, without intending to, imagine an entire moment, day, experience related to it.

For example:
Today was my little brother's piano recital. There was a young family sitting in front of me. Husband, Wife, and little girl sitting in-between. NOTE: from this point on, any assumptions are purely speculative, without any solid facts.

I noticed that the woman was wearing some sort of bracelet that seemed to be related to the military, or so I assumed. (it said something about "hope, service and courage.") That and the fact that the husband had a buzz cut and looked fairly muscular made me wonder if he was in the military, and she, an army/navy/marine wife.

I wondered what I would do in that position. How I could handle it. If I could bring myself to commit and marry someone, when I knew they would have to be gone for months or years at a time, risking their lives every day. That many times, I would have to listen to people complain about the war and the government, and decide how/when/if I should speak up. He defends this country, the least I could do would be to defend him.

It would be very hard. It made me think of SheDaisy's song, "come home soon":

I put away the groceries

And I take my daily bread

I dream of your arms around me

As I tuck the kids in bed

...

I walk alone

I try alone

I'll wait for you, don't want to die alone

So please, come home soon

So to all those in the military, but also their families: I commend you. I may not always agree 100% with the government, or the wars we fight as a nation. But I will always support those who willingly choose to serve and defend this country.

operation nice.

this made me smile today.

isn't that really what life is all about?

some random thoughts from the past couple days...

some boys can be really cute when they sing obnoxious songs

sometimes when you think you are terrible at something, everyone else thinks you're doing okay

cold showers are incredibly nice on very hot days

three days off, in a row, is a beautiful thing

secret spoonfuls of spumoni somehow taste better

new cds in the mail make me giddy

100% is a beautiful score for a test

working hard and pushing yourself does the body good

making a goal feels good. meeting it feels better.

it's probably bad how I tend to swear in my head...should work on that

being a lady can be very hard and exhausting

one slice of pizza is not a full meal

i am becoming more and more of a night owl

i don't like that i didn't see my brother all day

5 days until payday= :-)

i like when people think i am a good server

tips are a beautiful thing, especially when i get to keep them

i wore shorts today and i haven't shaved my legs in a week...scandalous

i think blow-dryers should hibernate during the summer

i had a terrible dream last night, and i don't know what it means

i really want to go water-skiing. really.

life is beautiful. live it. love it. let yourself love and be loved.

image from deviantart

Today was a good day for...

sunshine

getting off my butt and going running in that beautiful sunshine

working

chats with old friends

eyeliner and blush

wavy hair

drinking ice water instead of pop

british accents

feeling tan

not getting hit on by awkward guys at work...

goo goo dolls on the radio

driving my truck

my pseudo-converse hi tops

two showers

mysteriously-disappearing allergies

determination rather than discouragement


Merry Thursday!

-lc

Love, Save the Empty

*new favorites*

musicians:
Chantal Kreviazuk
Erin McCarley


songs:
you belong with me-taylor swift
vuelve-reik
foundations-kate nash (thanks Katie, for introducing me to this one!)
gravity-john mayer

and a few old favorites, for good measure:
que vida la mia-reik (this was the first song in spanish that I listened to and could understand almost everything...it was a glorious moment)
la vie en rose-the louis armstrong version from French Kiss and the original edith piaf one.
life less ordinary-carbon leaf

*also: this post was originally going to be just about music, but I have a new favorite book: Persepolis. It's very comical, in parts, but very interesting. I'm anxious to read the second one, and to see the movie.*

the weekend.

Saturday I spent the day with my mom.

We went to the farmers market Then we made jam. Lots of it. (find more detailed posts about those here). This is my mom's way of helping me fulfill part of #2 on this list...(aka become less domestically-challenged).

We have many more projects planned for the summer. I'm pretty stoked about it. :) Maybe I'll be a little bit closer to checking off numbers 2, 3, 4, 17, and 25.

Today was a good Sunday. Caught up with some old friends at church. Family barbeque. Cupcake decorating. Home movies.

Tomorrow will be grand. No work. Just time to play with the family :).

Happy Memorial Day!

-LC

Impossible

I hate the idea of impossible. For some, it is motivating. It creates a challenge; something to be overcome.

But, tonight especially, I think it is terribly hopeless. Especially when I know that while it may not actually be impossible, it has to be impossible. For me, at least. I have to make it impossible.

I'm not making any sense, I know.

It's just that, tonight, I'm feeling a little lonesome.
A little more than usual.

Oh, how I wish i knew what life had in store for me. Because it's a little bit easier to take things one day at a time, when you know that someday something wonderful will happen. Wonderful enough to make all the others worth it.

I know it's coming, eventually. I just wish I knew when...

in case you need a laugh...

check this out.

(my way of putting a plug in for the venting blog

if you can relate, I'd love to hear stories :).

~LC

Last night...

I dreamt I kissed someone.
A few times.
With my eyes closed tight.

Because of that, I don't know who this dream boy was, or even what he looked like.

I wonder what that means.
{I always wonder what dreams mean.}

Does it mean that I didn't want to know who this guy was....

...or that I just didn't care?

little does he know...

I might like this boy. Sort of.

It is one of those irrational crushes that I know full well won't go anywhere. I mentioned him before, once, on this list.

Sometimes I wish things were different. Actually, a lot of times I wish that things were different. That we were different. That we were more compatible. That there wasn't that huge obstacle standing in the way.

There are so many facets of his personality and character that I could fall so deeply in love with. Maybe that is why I am so cautious about this, and can't let him know.

The main problem that stands in the way is that we are too different, religiously speaking, for it to work; and neither one of us would want to compromise. (and frankly, the fact that he is so committed to his own faith is one of the things I admire about him.)

But he is a good man. He might not think so, but I believe he is. He has a good heart, a good head on his shoulders, and a smile that can make me lose my train of thought. He is smart, in all the ways that really count; I've never had a particularly intellectually-stimulating conversation with him on a subject other than religion. But I can just tell.

Confession: I don't actually know him that well. Not as well as I'd like to.

I want to know his motivation in life. Why he is the way he is. What caused him to become so strong in his faith and so knowledgeable about it. What his family is like. Why he is still in this town. What he struggles with. What his weaknesses are. What makes him happy.

And, of course: what he thinks about me....does he ever think about me? That is a question I wonder about almost everyone I know. not in the sense that I have to please everyone. I'm just curious what people think about me, based on what they know about my life.

He could so easily be my summer crush. But that would be dangerous, now wouldn't it?

It's scary to let your heart really feel sometimes, isn't it? I think that too often we don't want to give our heart as much power or control as it wants because we are so afraid of falling apart. Which it often does.

The next best thing would be for him to become a good friend. Or better yet, for me to become a good friend to him. That is generally my heart's compromise to the whole falling in love/breaking my heart dilemma. I love having male best friends, and I have been lucky several times with that.

[insert borderline-sappy and somewhat random shoutout]

{Josh Cluff--you might be reading this, but you are one of my closest guy friends, if not the closest. You fill spots in my life that no female could. I probably don't tell you enough how grateful I am for that. You were many things for me this year, but most of all, you were my friend.}

But back to the point.

I don't really know why I felt particularly anxious to write about this. Or why I wanted to write about it at all. I guess writing/typing out my thoughts is one way I try to organize them and make sense of my complicated mind.

These thoughts don't even have to apply to just one boy. I guess this is kind of a collection and rambling of my thoughts about life and love.

I think there will definitely be more where this came from. So if you haven't gotten too bored and kept reading, stay tuned. :)

(Like this wasn't a long enough post already?)

25 before I'm 25

I saw this on Meg Fee's lovely blog and it inspired me to make a list of my own.

I've actually been working on it for a few weeks, but it took a little bit of time to compile 25 goals that were daring enough to inspire me, yet realistic enough that I could accomplish them.


25 before I turn 25:


1. Spend some time in foreign country
2. Learn to cook
3. Learn how to use graphic design programs [Photoshop, InDesign, etc....currently i use "paint" :)]
4. Read 25 new books
5. Let myself fall in love
6. Go to New York City
7. Define my political opinions a little more; be more knowledgeable (particularly for 2012)
8. Record a CD with Brittany in a recording studio
9. Learn to play guitar
10. Write an up-tempo song
11. Learn to not be afraid of driving
12. Use my writing skills for good
13. Kiss someone at midnight on New Year's Eve
14. Donate something (time/money) each year to worthy causes (excluding tithing/fast offerings)
15. Become fluent in Spanish
16. Create something I am really proud of: a song, a painting, a dance, an idea, a wedding dress
17. Learn to like vegetables
18. Start a collection of records
19. Take a cross-country road trip
20. Go to a really good concert or two
21. Get paid to use my talents (no matter how little)
22. Spend some time with my family in the Deep South
23. Share my talents. For once, really show off
24. Take full advantage of the dance opportunities available to me
25. Read each of these at least once, all the way through

Sometimes...

Sometimes I dream of...

lighting my whole house with nothing but candles...

kissing a stranger...

starring in a movie...

eating everything that I want to and not feeling bad about it...

being the best at something...

speaking a thousand different languages...

living in latin america...

writing a song to change someone's world...

singing jazz in a night club...

living in Israel around 30 AD...

writing a book...

having Nat King Cole sing at my wedding reception...

dancing on Broadway...

getting locked in a bookstore or library...overnight...

being a fashion designer in New York...

not feeling as scared of life as I sometimes do...

being deeply in love, or maybe just being loved deeply.

photo from deviant art via simplysublime

what is currently stuck in my head.

It seems like every time I turned on the radio this week, I caught the chorus of this song, by Rodney Atkins:

"It’s a high school prom

It’s a Springsteen’s song

It’s a ride in a Chevrolet

It’s a man on the moon

And fireflies in June

Kids selling lemonade

It’s cities and farms

It’s open arms

One nation under God

It’s America"

It gives me chills.

This simple representation of everyday america, aside from the undeniable big problems we face as a nation, gives me hope for the future.

Country music always seems very patriotic and down-to-earth, to me. I think that's a big part of why I like it. It can be so honest and heartfelt.

and I wholeheartedly agree with this line from the same song:

"No we don’t always get it all right

But there’s no place else I’d rather build my life"

I feel so blessed and proud to live in this country. And no one can take that away.

photo via google images via this

Que Vida La Mia

Sometimes I feel totally and utterly alone.



But sometimes, I feel so surrounded by love and beauty and honest, good people. Maybe I say that too much. But it is still true.

I like when life is colorful and beautiful and wonderful and exciting and surprising and unexpected.

I like when I like life.

People just make me SO happy sometimes.

"Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."
-Anne Frank


I thoroughly agree.


and one more thing that really makes me happy: music


"Got my dreams, got my life, got my love
Got my friends got the sunshine above
Why am I making this hard on myself
When there’s so many beautiful reasons I have to be happy?"
-Natasha Bedingfield

photo via deviantart.com via wint3r88

he said you gave him a toothache/how'd I do that?/it's an expression, it means he thought you were sweet

Going to the dentist can be awkward.



You sit there and the hygienist leans you back in the chair, tells you to "open a little bit wider" and then proceeds to ask you about your family/friends/where you go to school/etc, all the while with his or her fingers in your mouth scraping, poking and polishing your teeth.

Yeah, right.




*also. if you know what movie the subject is from (without googling it), you are my hero for the day :)*

This Summer

I make lists all the time. I guess it's my way of trying to put down on paper what I want to accomplish, in hopes that if I write it down, it will actually come true.

A mini-list to begin:
1. Brittany and I make summer workout plans. Every. Single. Summer.
2. I have about a billion of these "things I want to accomplish" lists
3. To be frank, I will be lucky if I get half the things on this list done. But that's better than nothing, right?


Here goes.

Things I want to learn to do/accomplish/get done during Summer 2009:

1. Improve my sewing skills (I actually don't really have sewing "skills" to begin with, but I have to start somewhere)
2. Learn more about graphic design programs
3. Learn to cook more than just chicken enchiladas, vanilla crepes and hot cocoa.
4. Savor the taste of MAma CarOle's Traditional Cheesecake
5. Go to the Farmers Market with Mom
6. Go to Kevin's Baseball games.
7. DON'T get fat on soda pop and ice cream
8. Go to Salem and see more than just the capital building
9. READ for fun! (that is a WHOLE other list to be made: Books I want to read this summer)
10. Grow spiritually. Go back to school stronger in my faith. (This is another one that could turn into a whole post, but I really want to make meaningful scripture study and prayer a part of every day)
11. Floss! (this is always on my lists, but I've never been very consistent with it. Oh well.)


Hopefully:-). So far I have: been to the farmer's market, a baseball game, eaten cheesecake, read one book, flossed twice, and studied my scriptures with Preach My Gospel once. *little pat on the back*

Vendetta against that kind of green

Random Fact #5:

I really don't like lettuce.


People tell me that I'm crazy. That it has no flavor; that it doesn't taste like anything.


I disagree. I think it tastes like limp, water-y bits of green paper, and the only way I ever get it from mouth to stomach is if it is smothered in the creamy goodness of ranch or caesar or blue cheese.

Adventures in Portland-land! :D

Reunited!
My beautiful mother and I eating lunch at Old Wives' Tale on Burnside Street.
'Twas excellent.

A little stop at Moonstruck Chocolate Cafe, where they make many decadent treats like these.

A little light (or not-so-light!) reading.
Someday I will know this much about chocolate.

Lastly, a stop at Powell's City of Books.
Heaven.
Used books.
Words to live by.

Can I take it all home with me? Please?

I love spending time with my mom, especially in Portland. It was a great first outing since I have been back home. Hopefully there will be many more this summer.