to be or not to be {myself}

Maybe I've said too much...

Sometimes I feel like I tell the world, (or at least the portion of it that reads this blog), too much about myself.

I let my guard down in my little spec of the world wide web, and really put my heart out in the open. Because I feel safe here. It's my space. My world.

My problem is this: I wonder if the real me will scare him away. Sometimes I wonder what he'd think if he stumbled across this blog. It's probably a bad idea to let him see too much too soon. Maybe I need to put on the show just a little bit longer. You know, where I try to say the right things all the time. And behave as a lady should. And play by The Rules. (no I do not own a copy of that book, nor have I read it.).

But you know what I mean. Play hard to get, act mysterious. {Wow. I just realized I really stink at the whole mysterious part.}

What I'm trying to say is that life isn't like the movies, where the overly dramatic/irrational/emotional/imperfect girl gets the guy in the end, right?

Maybe I need to put up the walls again. Go back to being that girl, or appearing to be that girl. Get the fish to bite and then show him what he's in for.

But here's the other problem: I'm happy here, being me. All of me. I like this space. And I like my imperfect, messy heart. I like that my life is sometimes an open book. It's who I am.

{Even as I type, I'm debating between two choices: click the "publish" button, or save this as yet another of more than a dozen "drafts" that will probably never be exposed to the world.}

Maybe I don't even know what I'm saying. Maybe I'm just rambling, but I guess he'll find out sooner or later...

image via deviantart

Yes, this is one of those posts...

Sometimes I dream of falling in love when it's cold outside. I always have.

Winter is the time of year when it's more than okay to be fair-skinned and rosy-cheeked. Winter is the time of year for remembering what and who is important. I know that's cliche, but I don't care.

Maybe love is sweeter in the winter because our noses can be red together, and I'll have his hand for a glove.

We can kiss with hot chocolate on our breath and Christmas in the air.

I'll catch snowflakes on my eyelashes and he'll catch me in his arms when I slip on the ice.

We can live the lyrics of Christmas songs and movies like "While You Were Sleeping" and make some memories of our own.

We can make our own peace on Earth.

I say, if we can find each other through the stormy months of winter, our love can last through all the less-than-sunny days we are sure to have.

A pound (or 4) of flesh

UPDATE: The roast smells...divine! :) Hope it tastes as good :)

DISCLAIMER: Dinner group friends, you probably should wait until after dinner to read this. Also, anyone with easily-upset stomachs...well, read at your own risk.

So it's Tuesday and my turn to make dinner for dinner group. (psst! if you haven't checked out our dinner group blog, please do! ).

Anyway. I'm excited. Really excited, actually. Hopefully slaving away in the kitchen all day will pay off and the food will taste almost as good as my mom's or oma's.

My plan is to make a roast (in the crockpot) and potatoes and Sour Cream and Chive Potato bread.

Let's rewind for a minute: to Monday night. My wonderful roommate Kim, who is in possession of a silver Taurus, took me to the grocery store to buy the necessary ingredients.

I went straight to the meat section in search of the perfect roast.

Note: My first year of college, I lived in the dorms and ate in the cafeteria. My second year, I was a vegetarian. Thus, I don't really know how to buy/prepare meat (other than chicken from a can).

I'm walking down the aisle of red uncooked used-to-be cows and pigs, looking for a "rump roast" as per my mother's instructions.

{While talking to her on the phone the entire time}

I read the names on the labels: Pork Loin, Beef Chuck Chuck Roast (how much beef in a chuck chuck roast...if the beef chuck would chuck roast?), Tip roast, Top Sirloin, etc.

And then I see it: rump roast! But there are two choices: top and bottom. (isn't the rump roast, by definition, the bottom?) Apparently not.

A few things I discovered in the meat department at Smith's:
-the sanitation station is a glorious place.
-the pink/purple ink stains on the fat of the meat...that's where they stamp the dead cow. Yuck. (note: I'm NOT an animal rights activist, and I'm not against eating meat. But that did make my stomach turn, just a little.)
-meat is dang expensive. or at least it feels like it when you never buy it, and then buy a 4.399 pound roast.

I select a "super value pack," 4.399 pound bottom rump roast, grab a package of Beefy Onion Lipton Onion Soup Mix and some milk and go home.

Nevertheless, this morning I put it in the crockpot (correction: my roommate Natalie actually put it in the crockpot, because I was too grossed out...I poured the soup mix over it and put the lid on.) The point is, it's there. And it's going to be really good, I hope.

I'm off to go see if the bread is done rising....

image

a few reasons why I love life right now

-It's autumn, and several of the days this week have reminded me of Oregon. Utah autumn is much like Oregon winter.

-I'm getting really excited to apply to the Advertising program and show them why they need to accept me. I guess that sounds kind of prideful, but I think that's the attitude you have to have when the acceptance rate is like, 70%. We'll call it: confidence.

-I successfully designed some business cards for my mom using InDesign. (I know that's really easy to anyone who has ever used a computer, but I'm sort of technologically-challenged, and I'm working on it. Baby steps.)

-I love dancing the foxtrot. I am loving my Standard class. I really miss Latin, but this is good for me.

-I am choosing to view the fact that I am a "Jane of All Trades, Master of None" as an asset rather than a fault. And feeling blessed for the things I am good at.

-I am choosing to enjoy the extra free time I have (while job-hunting) and using it in somewhat productive ways...most of the time.

-Today was just a really good day. I think it was better because: a) I woke up feeling relatively rested, b) I read my scriptures in the morning, and c) I did something that scared me...and it turned out more than just fine.

-It is Friday. :)

Have a great weekend, blogging friends!

photo from Britt's and my trip to Jacksonville & Grant's Pass (Oregon), a couple summers ago

ten honest things

My dear friend Micaela tagged me to do this. Micaela is one of the most honest, genuine bloggers I've had the pleasure of getting to know. If you haven't stopped by her corner of the web, you're missing out!

ten honest things about me:

1. Sometimes I get scared easily--life, love, loneliness...most of all, I think I'm scared of losing my way and forgetting who I am. But every day I feel a little more confident in who I am and how I love this life I've been given.

2. I think with my heart. I make decisions based on how I feel about the situation. It's not always logical and often unexplainable. But I trust my heart and that gives me peace.

3. I compare myself to others and care what other people think way too much. I don't like admitting this because it makes me feel vulnerable, but it's true. It's not that I have low self-esteem, because I'm actually pretty happy with who I am. But sometimes I get caught up in wanting to be exciting and fun and attractive and unique, when really I just need to be me. Because that is enough.

4. I'm really bad with goodbyes. I tend to just avoid them. Just leaving without a word is easier for me than reminding myself of what I'm leaving behind.

5. Sometimes I worry that showing too much of the real me is a turn-off to any potential love-to-be. At least, showing too much, too soon. Being that open is liberating but terribly frightening at the same time because it gives someone else the ability to make judgments about my heart.

6. I love sad movies. And I love a good cry. It is such a natural release. "The Way We Were" is one of my all-time favorites.

7. I love my brown eyes. I used to not like them at all, and was envious of girls with beautiful blue or green eyes. I even considered buying colored contacts. But I realized that they are the same as my mom's eyes, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

8. These things make me feel loved: heartfelt hugs, sincere smiles, and the overall ease of being with people who know you well.

9. I have come to realize that sometimes I am braver than I give myself credit. I'm willing to do scary things, even if I'm terrified. These experiences have taught me not only that I can handle whatever the scary thing was, but also that I can take a chance.

10. Music will always be my first love. Oh, I will love someone more than music, that is certain; but I doubt I will ever find something I love so well.

I tag...whoever wants to do this! (Jayne, Pepper, and Niki, I know you love these things, and I'd love to hear your 10 honest things!)

image via weheartit

{Love-to-be, if you happen to be reading this: This might scare you; this much of me, all at once. It's a good chunk of my heart. But be gentle with it, and understand that I'm a work in progress. Honestly, aren't we all?}

Lost Generation

My mom sent me a link to this:



I believe in the power of words, and the conviction of those who speak or pen them.

Farmers Market

Katie (aka Katya) and I went to the Farmers Market Saturday and discovered all kinds of goodies. We sampled honey made 20 minutes up the road, two kinds of homemade barbecue sauce, and vegan cookies, all of which were excellent, but a little out of my college-student budget.

I went home with:

a glass of fresh squeezed mint limeade (it was delicious, by the way)
a steaming pork tamal, (my favorite Mexican dish)
a loaf of Asiago cheese bread
and a dozen or so red potatoes (I plan on using this recipe for dinner group next time I cook)

I love farmers markets and I love paying with cash. I'm sad that I didn't get to enjoy this one more, and that it's only open until the end of the month.

image via deviantart

ps: I've actually been to this farmers market, Pike Place in Seattle, WA!

twenty-one

Yesterday was my birthday.
The big two-one.

{Okay so maybe this birthday isn't quite as monumental, considering I'm LDS and don't drink}

But still. We had a pretty rockin' Black and White "Mocktail" Party complete with:

-21 original non-alcoholic concoctions (Upside Slammer with a Twist? NCMO on the Beach? AuPear? and, of course, the "Laura."*)
-a fierce game of Nerts.
-Oreo Truffles. (and homemade Oreos, courtesy of Katya)
-an impromptu dating panel, instigated by Mario, which ended up with both sexes complaining about how confusing the other is.
-michael, frank, and ella, singing me some jazz in the background.
-and plenty of incredible people dressed to the nines in black and white garb.

It's official: I have the greatest friends.

image via vi.sualize.us

*gilmore girls, anyone?

Happy thoughts.

I love...

• when tests go well
• dinner group and the wonderful men of Ave 123
  
• my old ward
• my roommates
• my amazing friends
• cruising university ave
• feeling accomplished and productive
• the slowly forming calluses on the tips of my fingers
• holly brook's music
• cute waiters
• red starbursts
• when Britt comes to visit
• Mary's Song by Taylor Swift...and the fact that I can play it on the guitar
• fun plans for the weekend
• mocktail parties :)
• birthdays
• packages
• dancing the foxtrot in my new standard pumps
• the smell of autumn air
  

Happy Friday!

image via deviantart

I have nothing in particular to say, and will therefore compose yet another list

This week feels like a never-ending Monday so far. Except for the hilarious hour and a half spent watching "The Dinner Game" with Katie's French Club (I highly recommend it. The movie. Not the game.), I spent the whole day getting ready for class, doing homework, going to class, and studying for a test. Oh and then I ate precisely 3 otter pops (green, red, blue, in that order. In case you were randomly curious.) at La Casa, and spilled precisely 2 of them on my jeans.

Dang.

Guess what else? I have an assignment due in the morning for which I have only a heading and title.

Blogging/writing is such a guilty pleasure. How come it is all I want to do when I have so much else to get done?

Tomorrow will be...
...busy.
...exciting. My standard (dance) shoes came in the mail and I get to dance in them for the first time tomorrow!
...academic.
...3 days before my birthday.
...hump day :) (halfway done with the week!)
...fun? hopefully?
...the day before Britt comes into town.
...a day to learn how to strum on the guitar? {update on this post: I can now decently play a few songs, but only with chords splattered intermittently throughout.}
...a day to brown bag it? (or more accurately, red bag it. I just bought a lunchbag for the lovely price of $2.99)
...a day for confidence, because I can always use a little extra ummph (does anyone actually know how to spell "ummph"?)

That's all for now.

Goodnight world.

image via vi.sualize.us

To Do:

-read 4 New York Times front pages and take a quiz before midnight tonight.
-Try not to stress about all that I have to do tonight/this week.
-finish watching "Doubt" with Katie.
-read many, many articles about early American Christianity and respond.
-FIND A JOB (preferably, that does not involve food unless tips are also involved)
-sleep, eventually.
-do my foxtrot critique for my dance class.
-keep practicing how to not stink at using computers.
-finish reading Ch. 5 and study for Advertising; Test #1: Thursday.
-practice the few chords I know on the guitar.
-eat food.
-go to many, many hours of review sessions/study groups/team meetings for Advertising BEFORE Thursday.


...and yes, I'm blogging. Oh boy. It's gonna be an interesting week.

I'll be true, I'll be useful...I'll be yours, my dear.

Love-to-Be:

I need you to know that I'm really not that needy. I think that some of these little letters only tell you what I want you to be and do and say.

This one is different. This one is about what I will be and do and say. This one is for you, from me. From the me that will someday be the girl you want to spend forever with.

For you, my dear:

I won't always be the perfect woman, but I will always be your imperfect woman.
I will say the wrong thing sometimes, maybe a lot of times; but I promise to apologize. And I'll try to be quick about it, because I detest going to bed angry.

In this letter, I asked you to fight for me and to never give up; I promise to never give up on you, and to fight for us.
Because I've never been much of a quitter.

Sometimes I'll be stubborn. And cry about nothing, or everything. And I'll want to be alone. And sometimes when I tell you I want to be alone, what I need the most is for you to take me in your arms and never let go.

{But I'm getting sidetracked, because this letter isn't about me; it's about you.}

What I'm really trying to say is that I promise to love you, and to love loving you.
Even when your hands aren't as steady as they once were, and mine are a little cracked and wrinkled.

Let's be the ones that grow older, but never grow out of the newlywed stage.


Because as scary as it is for me, I will give you my heart. More importantly, I will want to. The whole messy, fickle, ridiculous thing. All I ask is that you take it and never try to give it back. Because in this game of love, I play for keeps.

image via le love

*Dashboard never fails me. Their lyrics are the voice of my heart so often it's almost frightening.

Am, Em, C, and the D-A-G...

...that's what I've got so far.



{On another note:} Today I let myself daydream a little bit. About life and love and what may or may not be. But it was the good kind of daydreaming, the kind where you still feel content with the way life is right now, even if it's not as much fun as the fantasy. It's the kind of thinking that makes me believe in my dreams. And believe that I deserve to have them come true someday; that I'm enough to make them real.

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."
-Eleanor Roosevelt, (such an articulate lady)

image via vi.sualize.us

{side note}: this is currently hanging on my wall. in poster form. and I absolutely love it.

the tips of my fingers are a little bit tender.

I'm starting a new adventure.
And I'm allowing myself to be hopeful.
And not allowing myself to be lazy.
And it feels really good.


Can you guess what it is?

image via this

"I think that I think too hard, and don't give enough credit to my heart"*

Sometimes someone else composes the music of my heart better than I can, at least right now. I love Holly Brook's entire album, Like Blood Like Honey, but especially the song Curious.

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like I must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
...
You know I've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
...
Will I learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul?
...
I'm so...curious to know
And there are too many unanswered questions
...
like you

image via deviant art

There is no confusion like the confusion of a simple mind*

Love-to-be:

I want you to disagree with me, sometimes.
Not all of the time, because that would be annoying.
But if you never have an opinion of your own, that's kind of bothersome.
It's okay to tell me that you like the other shirt better. It's okay to say you prefer Italian over Chinese food. It's okay to enlighten me on a subject you know more about; in fact, please do.

And I need you to "wear the pants," as they say.
I don't want them.
I've never been that girl.
I've always been the easygoing, it's-okay-if-we-do-it-your-way-this-time kind of girl.

Actually, I won't be surprised if your strong opinions and confidence (note: confidence, not arrogance) is one of the first things that attracts me to you. The way that you'll kiss me without asking. The easy and natural silences we'll have, coupled with the passionate discussions about life and all that matters to us. The way you'll show respect to everyone, not just me.

I hope this doesn't seem like too large a request, or too tricky a balance to find: between confidence and consideration of others.

My reasoning is this: I have the feeling I'm an "opposites attract" kind of girl. I'll need to feed off of your confidence, every now and then, because mine has never been too stable.

image via google images

*I do hope you've read The Great Gatsby, and that you understand that being suave is never out of style. Also, you could be Tom, but I will never be Daisy. Ever.

fun fun fun

The lovely Jayne, of the Little Passenger has nominated me for a Kreativ Blogger award. I feel so honored and loved. I know I've mentioned her blog on here before, but really, if you haven't moseyed (sp?) on over there yet....do it!

According to the rules, I must:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated.


My seven things:

1) My handwriting changes all the time, depending on my mood, but it is consistently rather large and generally kind of sloppy.

2) I was in my first car wreck when I was about 7. I was driving. The car: a pink Barbie Jeep, (not mine, but the Christmas present I asked for every year after that.) My friend let me drive, and I got us stuck in a ditch. No joke, we had to get out and push. Somehow I feel that this was a defining moment in my life and the formation of who I am: I stink at driving, and I really don't like being in charge.

3) My dream job is a tie between: an actress or a T-shirt designer.

4) I've never cared too much about flowers. I mean, I think they are pretty and all, but I don't dream of a guy showing up on my doorstep with a dozen red roses. When people say "ooh, smell these! Don't they smell so good?," I generally smell and say yes, purely out of courtesy. I actually think flowers just smell....like flowers, and can't really tell the difference. Chocolate, however, is always welcome.

5) I actually like filling out forms. Especially handwritten ones, like at the doctor's office. I don't know why, I just do.

6) In kindergarten, I had a purple sweatshirt with Barney on it. One day, some little female twerp told me Barney was stupid and for babies. I never wore it again. Secretly, I still think Barney is not stupid.

7) The first music group I search for on someone's Ipod is usually Three Days Grace. The first band that comes to mind when people ask what I want to hear is Third Eye Blind. And my favorite number is 3.

And now I nominate....

Amanda & Dave from a liberation broadcast
E from all about the wordplay
BigEyes from BigEyes in a small World
Melissa from Operation Nice
Britt from No One Can Remember the End
Colby Ranae from Pray Hard. Live Easy.
Franziska from The Catcher in the Rye


happy blogging!

"The heart has reasons that reason does not understand" --Jacques Benigne Bossuel

Let's strip down.

Take it all off.

The makeup, the fake smile, the layers of clothes.

Or better, the things we make up, the false assumptions about you and me and us, and the layers of padding we smother our hearts with.

Let's really see each other.

Let's share our imperfection and maybe find affection.

You'll admire my blemishes, and I'll kiss your scars.

Let's get down to who we are. And forget about who we aren't.

Being perfect would be so boring.

Flaws make life interesting.

Let's strip down to just our two hearts, a little broken but still beating.

And see if we can't find something to talk about.

And maybe even fall in love.

Because all the garbage you've been told to think about me is gone.

You can see my naked heart for what it really is; for who I really am.

Let's strip down to two hearts, and find a common rhythm.

And maybe we will see that we really aren't that different after all.
Let's not be afraid to be real.
Let's not be afraid to feel.

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring." -Marilyn Monroe

image via this

Take your pick.

Ballroom dance is sort of like:

a) an abusive boyfriend that I love too much to leave.
b)Edward Cullen--perfect, enough that I never feel quite worthy of it.
c) the carrot in front of the horse--just tempting enough to make me look like an idiot chasing it.


And now, cast your vote...

I should now spend my "spare" time:
a) learning to play the guitar.
b) focusing solely on my schoolwork
c) dancing on my own, in preparation for another game of "who's good enough for Gold Latin?"
d) all of the above? would I die from that?

Ok. I'm done wallowing. I'm so moving on. Honest.

Also. I need to go job-hunting tomorrow. Ugh.

Food for Naught

Tonight I had resentment and regret for dinner,
With a side of self pity and a big glass of "woe is me."
The pièce de résistance was a whopping slice of humble pie, for dessert, of course.
I crunched and chewed and chomped until there was nothing left.
And then vomited my frustrations out of my timid brown eyes.

And now I have that slightly sick feeling of doubt, self doubt.
And wondering where and how to begin again.

I'm thinking about brewing some hope for tomorrow,
If my stomach is settled by then.
But it's kind of temperamental at the moment.

image via deviantart

"te amo con toda mi fe sin medidas"*

Life/Love can be tricky. Two choices are presented. To ease into something that is good and comfortable and easy, or to venture into the something foreign and scary and unsure.

Sometimes you have to choose between something great and something that might be even better. Or it could also be disastrous. That 's the risk.

The logical mind thinks: What's the point in letting yourself become attached to someone who may or may not be at all attached to you. Or at least not in the same way. You are such good friends, why risk losing that?

But the hopelessly romantic heart says: You will never know for sure. What is life if you don't let yourself feel with your whole heart. And too late, the damage is already done. Bring it on. All of it.

The catch is that the decision is not whether or not to let go of something bad for something good, but to let go of something lukewarm and stagnant for something that puts your heart in motion and lets it do what it does best: love.

It makes sense to me that, a lot of times, you have to fight to enjoy the best in life. By fighting, you are acknowledging that whatever or whoever is worth it. By taking that risk, you realize that whatever the outcome may be, however much it might kill you in the end, you'll take it because the chance of being with that person is worth it. And because of the undying hope we all have somewhere in our hearts (buried as it may be) that things will work out, someday.


*so I'm on a maná kick...love them.

image via deviantart

"bendita la luz de tu mirada"

a little evidence of my recent purchases from my new favorite music store...

Oh how I love this CD already. I can't believe I waited this long to buy it.

And the other two that I bought:
One I've been wanting for a long time...

And one I fell in love with...again.

Music makes my heart happy.

a little bit of goodbye

Today was my last full day in my beautiful Oregon, before I leave for currently-sunny-but-soon-to-be-snowy-you-know-where.

We shopped a little.
My mother and I.
And we ate a little junk food.
And got lost in Everyday Music. Definitely a new favorite. (I might have bought three CDs on impulse.)
And we watched a wonderful movie: Julie & Julia

I love Oregon, my mom and music. A lot. It was a perfect day.

{And on a random note: I bought a pair of skinny jeans. Black ones. This is totally out of character for me; I don't do "trendy." But I like them. I really do. And don't blame me if tomorrow is the third day I wear them...in a row.}

flawed and a bit fearful

Love-to-be:

I need you to be the kind of guy that won't back down when I tell you what I'm scared of, even if it scares you; the doubts that I have, even if they surprise you; my insecurities, even though I seem confident.

I need you to not run away, even when you find my faults. You can't be someone I need to hide from; you need to be the guy I run to. And if I get scared and run away, I need you to come after me. Sometimes I'll need you to fight for me, and remind me that I'm worth fighting for.

I need to be able to be me around you. I can be pretty good at putting on a show, but it doesn't usually last. And that's not the way it should be anyway, is it?

I need you to not give up on me, even when I want to give up on myself.

And I need you to be the sunshine in my life, when I'm in my darkest days.

And maybe this makes me sound really needy and pathetic,

but I promise: I'll do the same for you.

images via this and this

road trip, anyone...?

I have professed my love for Carbon Leaf on this blog at least once before.

But did you know that they are touring with another one of my loves?:

Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers

Well, they are.

And they will be playing in:
Denver, CO

Sept. 25th

at 8pm.

It's a Friday.

Which I think is perfect for a slightly irresponsible weekend roadtrip!

Who's with me?!

It's less than an 8 hour drive from you-know-where.

Also, check out the bands:

here and here

And for a brief introduction to any newbies, youtube/playlist/imeem these songs:

Carbon Leaf: Life Less Ordinary, Love Loss Hope Repeat, Let Your Troubles Roll By

SK and the 6ers: Maria, You've Changed, Shady Esperanto and the Young Hearts

Oh man. I can just imagine them live.

If I were to Tweet...

...Maybe these are the sorts of things I would say:

Exclamation points make me smile.

Except when they come after expletives.

Staying up late reading is a great way to deprive yourself of sleep, while simultaneously loving it.

Someday I want to have a wall in my house that I can paint/doodle/write/draw on anytime I please.

I haven't worked out in a very long time. Also, I eat junk. Granted, I don't eat much else.

This is still something I should work on.

I'm currently debating about a few things: purchasing an ipod, dyeing my hair, and my class schedule.

Firsts for this week: paying my tuition and having money left over, using my brand-spanking-new credit card, sandboarding in the dunes with my Mom & filming her sandboarding.

I need to either: stop reading about girls who live in NYC or find a way to get there.

I really love non-spam/newsletter/school-related emails.

Today my little brother stubbed his toe...because he kicked my shin.

All because I ate one of his orange Runts.

I hope I never get over the beauty of the Spanish language, especially when put to music.

I'm really aching to travel to a faraway place, with a one-way ticket, a swimsuit.

I think airports are fascinating; so many different people coming and going.

Adventures, just waiting to be found.

There really is nothing like falling into bed at the end of the day and getting to shut your eyes for hours and hours...

image via deviantart

Technologically Challenged

So...I took some pretty sweet pictures on my phone today.

Problem is, I have NO IDEA how to get them OFF my phone, and INTO my computer.

Any brilliant ideas?

(I have an LG enV3, with Verizon)

you gotta spend some time, love; you gotta spend some time, with me.

The results are in:

"her morning elegance"-oren lavie: love this one. we're all fighting for our lives.

"turn to stone"-ingrid michaelson: oh ingrid. always a pleasure.

"skinny love"-bon iver: never heard this one before. and I really like it. it reminds me of the music on the garden state soundtrack.

"7:PM"-yann teirsen: so glad you mentioned this one, pepper! It's something I probably wouldn't have come across on my own and I am always in awe of beautiful string pieces.

"sweet disposition"-temper trap: really interesting sound, i like it. :)

"us"-regina spektor: found this one, or better, was reminded of this one from the 500 Days of Summer trailer. it's definitely a new favorite.

"maybe" -ingrid michaelson: once again, ingrid, you speak my heart. "Maybe" to me, is always so bittersweetly hopeful.

"attractions"-severe severe: I could only find a sample of this one, it wasn't even on youtube or playlist.com. But it sounds like something I might like. Any help?

"green spandex"-xavier rudd: I only perused this artist's website for a few minutes, but I liked what I heard. I didn't find this particular song though.

"one love"-bob marley: I really love the title of this one, and it's message.

"where I stood"-missy higgins: this song makes me think of freshman year in college. it's definitely a keeper.

So that's all, for now, my dears! Enjoy. And feel free to drop by and leave more music ideas, anytime. They are always welcome to my heart. :)

Sometimes the best things in life...

...come at the most inopportune time.

I have this issue with timing. I fight it. And I struggle to accept it.

Good things tend to come into my life right before big changes; usually those changes involve a change of location.

Maybe I'm a procrastinator when it comes to love.

I wait until the last minute to open up, care, or really look at what's in front of me.
Until it's too late.

Sometimes I think the last-minute romantic fling is the way to go. No time to get bored or lose interest or let my fickle heart play tricks on an unexpecting male. No time to get scared off or overanalyze. No time to get too attached or really fall too deep, because the end so closely follows the beginning.

Love comes to me in glimpses, in moments. Not in some lengthy affair consuming my life for months or years at a time. A moonlit kiss, a few words, a certain scent. I have not learned what little I know about love from one definite experience, but from fractions of days and weeks of almost loves. I have not learned about heartache from a single heartbreaking day, but from a variety of cracks and chips to my heart, wrinkles and wrongdoings that bruise my soul, spread out over months and years.

Maybe that's better. Because I've been able to deal with each, piece by piece, and move on. Because I've never had my world end with a single goodbye. Maybe it's preparing me for that heartbreaking day.

Or maybe not. Maybe it's training for the day when the timing will catch up with my mental clock. When someday the chips will fit together and it will feel permanent, and, most of all, I will feel at peace with that.

"Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering."

-Ida Scott Taylor

image via deviantart

Play me a song. It won't take long.

I love finding new music. And by new, I usually mean, new to me. I'll admit, I think it's kinda cool to know a few bands that are still sort of "underground." But I don't claim to be Indie, (although I have been called that before. I don't really claim to be anything at all.

But anyway, I have a proposition for you, my readers. (Yes. All of you.):

Play me a song. (in other words, leave a comment with the title & artist of a song you love.)

Tell me why you love it.

And I will listen. And maybe I will love it, too.

image via ffffound

Fabulous

The lovely Micaela, from Dolce Vita, tagged me to do this. And it's a good thing, cuz I haven't had anything particularly interesting to post about the past few days.

The rules: Post five things that make you feel fabulous/sexy/beautiful and then tag five others to do the same.

1. GREAT hair days. Not just good ones.

2. Stiletto heels. Particularly black ones.

3. Victoria Secret fragrances.

4. Sincere compliments that are not related to physical appearance.

5. Being comfortable in my own skin, even/especially in a swimsuit.

I tag YOU!

{pepper} from Pepper Stitches
{jayne} from The Little Passenger
{kellie} from The Paths My Eyes Wander Down
{katie} from From the Mind of Katie
{niki} from Chocolate, Cigarettes and Writer's Block

image credit: stilettos

more than just a pair of shoes

I really like this.

My favorite part is:

"it's time to get greedy for the stuff that really matters"

And the shoes are pretty rad too.

Too bad they are way out of my budget.

At least for now.

Maybe I'll splurge...

next summer.

like mother, like daughter

Yesterday I baked. I know, this is a rare occurrence, no? But I have been wanting to hone my domestic talents, or possibly, create some. Anyway, these lemon-blueberry scones (thank you, allrecipes.com) were scrumptious and super easy to make.

If I can do it, anyone can. :-)

{In true "Flavors of the Umpqua"-style, I should mention that the blueberries were picked locally by my mom, dad, and little brother, and we get our eggs from a lady at church who has chickens.}

photo via mi madre,

way more artistic than I could have done.

da da dadadaDAda dadadaDAda nanananaaa

This video is hilarious.

Check it out.

"you'll never look at dinner the same way"

I saw this on Monday at this funky funeral home-turned movie cinema called The Bijou in Eugene, (my mom already posted about it here). I haven't read as much about this subject as my mother has, so a lot of it was new information (though I would like to). I thought the movie was very well-done and interesting.

Although a lot of it focuses on the negative aspects of the way we eat and produce food, raising awareness, (which I feel is necessary and beneficial) it ended on a very positive note with this bright idea about the power of the consumer:

you can vote, three times a day.
you can change the world...with every bite.

my neighborhood

I was thinking the other day about communities. And neighborhoods. And neighbors.

And blogging. And some of my blogging friends.

A community, a circle, a group, a neighborhood, whatever you like to call it, is a support system. It's a place where you are free. Free, just to be. And be you, however you turn out that day. And there is someone there to laugh or cry with you, or say something that makes you feel better.

When Micaela writes a heart-wrenching post, I feel for her. And know that she and I are similar, in some ways. That we feel things deeply. And that we love easily.

When Jayne posts something hilariously witty, or utterly literary, I bask in the glory of her words. And I laugh out loud. She's brave enough to follow her dreams, and think that is beautiful.

When Pepper puts up pictures of her crafty genius, I envy her talent and smile a little more that day. She has such spice for life, and I love that.

The difference between these women and some of my other blogging friends is this: I only know them through their blogs. And their comments on my blog.

I've never watched movies all night with Micaela, gone used bookstore hunting with Jayne, or had a craft day with Pepper. But these are women that I have grown to respect, love, and sincerely care about.

Because, you see, these are some of my neighbors, in this neighborhood of bloggers. As a whole, it is a worldwide network; but for me, it's not too big. For now. Just a few comments at the finish of my thoughts.

But that's okay, because I've always been a small-town girl.

{And to all my blogging friends, the ones I have and have not met, thanks for stopping by my little corner of the world. Come again soon!}

photo via deviantart

Some things are best left between a girl and her {heart.}*

{edit:} this post is not referring to one, specific boy from my past. maybe it's actually about the next boy to break my heart. if that's the way it will go. and maybe, also, the little pieces of my heart that have been put back together, but still, in a way, belong to the past. the little wrongs I have forgiven, but haven't quite forgotten. Regardless, these are my thoughts.

Love-to-be:

Please forgive me for complaining about a boy. Once again. A boy that is not you. But some other boy that will still be tugging on my heart.

Don't think I will never get over it; I will.

Don't think I will never love you fully; I will.

But, unless you are the next boy I meet,

I will have some getting-over to take care of.

But please, please don't give up on me.

I know I'm a mess. But at least I know it, right?

I know I make mistakes. Stupid ones. And I say the wrong thing. A lot. I'm not perfect. I'm not almost perfect.

Please trust me when I say that I will love you deeper than you can imagine. And I will let you love me, even when I don't think I deserve it. And I will become very attached. (Even though, as I'm sure you have figured out by now, I am pretty independent.) And I will add flavor to your days, and color to your moonlights.

Know that I trust my instincts and I follow my heart.

And my heart is headed in your direction:

But, you see, it's kind of big. And heavy. But I'm letting some things go, along the way. Some old things that I don't need anymore.

And it feels really good, because I'm making room for you.

image via deviantart

*Carbon Leaf, I changed the last word. Forgive me :)

a lovely manifesto

I found this from A Lot To Say, one of my new favorite "green" T-shirt companies. (dare I say, maybe exactly the kind of company I would love to work for?)



Our Manifesto



If you think something, say it.
If you believe something, say it.
If you want something, say it.
Because saying it creates new awareness.
Awareness sparks new behavior.
And new behavior inspires us all to be better.
If we speak out, others will act out.
To vote. Recycle. Save.
To think a little more.
To try a little harder.
To live more honestly.
Thoughtfully. Joyfully.
You have a lot to say.
So never be afraid to say it.
Or wear it.
Everyday.



{now, obviously, saying everything you think, could be a not-so-good idea. But I think this is beautiful and very positive.}

summer update

So...remember this list?

Summer is more than halfway over....so here are the updates:
1--hmmm..not yet..
2--okay, give me credit. I've tried to job shadow a friend a couple times, but it just hasn't worked out yet. But we're still trying!
3--I've learned a little bit more. To quote my mother, I don't just need to learn how to cook, I need to "learn how to eat." Okay, I'm sort of a really picky eater. Gimme a break, I'm trying...and I got it from her! lol
4--Oh have I ever! It might be a more-than-weekly occurrence that we share a slice of cheesecake as a staff, because it was "too old" or mutilated in some way.
5--YES! I've been at least 4 times. And definitely plan on going a couple more before I leave.
6--YES! I went to many of Kevin's baseball games. I only missed a few because of work.
7--...so far, so good. I think.
8--not yet....but Kellie and I are working it out:-).
9--YES! Although this list is never "done," I have read: Speak, The Poisonwood Bible, Persepolis, some poems from The Forgiveness Parade, and I'm currently Zorro.
10--YES! I've been keeping a scripture journal pretty regularly, to write my thoughts as I'm studying. And I've been writing in my regular journal pretty often, too.
11--YES! :)

I still want to read more....and work on the first 4 goals....and enjoy summer. But I still have a little over a month :-)

{Did you hear that, college friends? I'll be back... in almost a month:) hehe}

hum-dum-dee-dum

My friends are getting married.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that. Really, I am.

My friends are getting married, and I'm still single. And I'm okay with that. Really, I am. Most of the time.

But sometimes, it can be hard.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else. And here I am.

But sometimes, it can be hard to see everyone else happy with everyone else. And here I am. Happy, but alone.

And I wonder why.

And I wonder why I am so independent.

And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself.
And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself. my-lonely-self.
And I wonder why I am so independent, and comfortable with myself. my-lonely-self. Instead of someone else.

Because I'm not.

Because I'm not that girl.

Because I'm not that girl you know.
Because I'm not that girl. you know, the one who's always a girlfriend.

Because I'm not that girl. you know, the one who's always a girlfriend. And never just, a girl.

I am just me.
I am just me, and I'm learning.
I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love.
I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love. And loving myself first.

I am just me, and I'm learning. I'm learning about love. And loving myself first. Because, for now, that is enough.

photo via deviantart

Pencil marks, chocolate smudges, and battered dustjackets

Yesterday I was in a bookstore. One of my favorite bookstores.
I stood in one aisle of the Blue Room, holding two books in my hands. Two copies of the same book.

*the first: new, paperback, smelling of freshly printed paper, smaller/more portable, and also 3 dollars more.

*the second: used, hardcover with a slightly battered dustjacket, thick, musty pages, and the binding a little curved.

I stood there for at least ten minutes, trying to decide which to buy. It was not a matter of whether or not I would buy the book; that had already been decided when I looked up the author's last name, eagerly scanned the shelves, and stood on tiptoes to reach the two books. It was a choice of new vs. used, or new vs. new-to-you.

I have always felt that used books have more character. That if they are well-worn, it means they have been well-loved. That if the binding is curved or the cover is a little tattered, it's because it has been opened again and again to reread a favorite passage, or that the former owner took it everywhere with them because they just couldn't put it down.

One of my mother's cookbooks, when opened, immediately falls to her favorite brownie recipe. The page is scattered with annotations, adaptations, and a few smudges of chocolate. I love that. That's not just how cooking should be; it's how life should be.

We try to do our best, and take the best care of ourselves. And that is a very good thing. But sometimes we screw up, and our pages get a few smudges, and the dustjacket gets a few tears (or we lose it altogether), or we add pistachios to the mix, and later decide that made one terrible batch of brownies. And sometimes, much as we try, we don't learn from our mistakes the first time. Sometimes we must revisit that painful passage again (and again), to catch the whole lesson.

But at some point, when the screwing up has paused for a moment: we put ourselves back together, smooth out our edges as much as we can, and stand tall, knowing that someone will love us better for our scars, for our failed attempts at perfect life, and for the story no one else can tell.

{After several minutes of mental deliberation, I chose the sullied script over the virgin text.}

Somehow I know I will love this book. And I think I will love it even more because it has been loved by someone before me.

photo via deviantart

music is poetry that gets stuck in your head

{I know, I know, I talk about music a lot. If that bores you, well, there is a little "x" in the top-right corner that can solve your problem ;)}

Life for the past few days:

~The Script has constantly been playing in my stereo

~Many-a-Regina Spektor video has been watched on youtube, including repeats of "real love (cover of John Lennon song)," "dance anthem of the 80's" and "samson."

~I really want to teach myself guitar.

~we listened to many-a-favorite Dave Matthews Band song closing the restaurant a few nights ago.

~I think that singing in the car is a wonderful alternative to commercials, or lousy sets on the radio. it is also an excellent atmosphere for lyrical and harmonical experimentation, because no one can laugh at the generally unorganized, sometimes flat, and often repetitive me. :)

[I realized today that I actually forgot some of the words to Sara Bareilles' song, "Between the Lines." I was surprised and sad for a minute, because it is such a beautiful song. And that song got my 19-year-old self through some rough days, it so perfectly articulated how I felt. But now it is kind of wonderful to know that chapter in my life is closed, and has been for a while. {This is not a recent development, but a recent realization of a continual truth.}]

It is so freeing to have to choose to remember. To move on, without those lyrics in the back of my mind.

and on a totally random, but completely necessary note:

Happy Independence Day, tomorrow!

I will be enjoying:

-an excellent firework show at a local high school's football field

-the night off, with my family

-something wonderful for dinner, because my mom will be making it:)

-and a star-spangled cake made by my darling 10-year old brother out of strawberry and vanilla cake, and blueberries.

photo via vi.sualize.us

you are my sweetest downfall

This song has been running through my head all day, and yesterday.
I have always found the story of Samson and Delilah terribly, hopelessly, depressingly, romantic.
And I always wish we knew more about it.

photo via vi.sualize.us

Foolish Games

Shame on me for not pulling out my Jewel CD earlier this year. When I really needed it.

Shame on me for being so bad at keeping promises...to myself.

Shame on me for not treating myself and my body with the respect and care it deserves.

Shame on me for leaving without saying goodbye.

Shame on me for forgetting important things. And forgetting the importance of some things.

photo via this

so I used to be adorable.

{This might put a smile on your face.}

because it makes me happy.

I found this today in one of my boss's books about Christianity. He left it at work, and it was SUPER slow, so I was flipping through it.

I really liked it.

"If there's anything in life that we should be passionate about, it's the gospel. And I don't mean passionate only about sharing it with others. I mean passionate about thinking about it, dwelling on it, rejoicing in it, allowing it to color the way we look at the world. Only one thing can be of most importance to each of us. And only the gospel ought to be.

-C.J. Mahaney

Sometimes I have to remind myself that the times when I have the most energy, when I feel the happiest, and the most balanced, and the most passionate about life, are the times when I am putting God first.

i ...feel so popular..teehee.

{random photo from high school. just for kicks. And the shirt says, "I'm not 60, I'm $59.95 +tax!)

So Jayne from The Little Passenger tagged me to do this little survey. She has a lovely blog, and I felt special for a moment that she thought of me. Thanks, girl!

What is your current obsession?

Hmm...as lame as it sounds...I would have to say blogging...I do it every night after work. to unwind. I might be guilty of blog surfing for hours and/or blog stalking...

Coffee or tea?

Mmm..gotta go with Jayne on this one. Hot cocoa. I fancy myself quite the cocoa connoisseur. I like really dark hot cocoa, made from scratch with cocoa powder and sugar. with a shot of almond roca.

What's for dinner?

I...work at a restaurant...from 5 to 10ish almost every night. My dinner usually consists of quick gulps of lemonade behind the counter, and stale garlic bread that the cooks made too much of. Once in a while we get lucky, and they screw up on something yummy like artichoke dip.

What was the last thing you bought?

A six-inch House Special Sub sandwich from my cute little restaurant. It was gooooood.

EDIT: I also just recently bought myself a pair of red TOMS. And they shipped yesterday. : )

What are you listening to right now?

It's 12:30 and almost everyone else is asleep, so nothing. But I was listening to Ella Fitzgerald earlier when I was getting ready for work. Singing Gershwin. It doesn't get much better than that.

What is your favorite ice cream flavor?

Chocolate Peanut Butter. From Umpqua Dairy.

What is your favorite color?

Yellow. Because it's happy. And because I am one.

What is your favorite piece of clothing in your wardrobe?

It's hard to pick....maybe the new black dress I got that makes me look tan....maybe my Pink Martini T-shirt, (with bleach stains, might i add. honestly don't know how those got there.)...or maybe my Lucky jeans...because they were free. Nope. I think it's my No Sweat converse hi-top knock-offs. Because they were ethically-made. Which makes my heart happy.

What is your dream job?

Working for a non-profit organization in south america.

or being an actress.

or a fashion designer.

or a really good mother, like mine.


How many times do you press the snooze button before you get up?

Half the time I don't use an alarm because I work nights, and sometimes prefer to sleep in and stay in my pajamas until I have to change into my uniform. But I usually just snooze once or twice, depending on if there is someone in the shower when I first wake up. (I find it very hard to function in the morning if I have not: brushed my teeth, gone to the bathroom, and washed my face.)


Taggage!

From the Mind of Katie

"I don't know if life is greater than death, but love was more than either."

From the Outside Looking In

Spinning Into Control

The Catcher in the Rye

The Paths My Eyes Wander Down



{In case you failed to notice (<--interjected thought: i instantly thought of the Jewel song, Foolish Games, Anyone else get that?), I am really bad at making decisions. I was only supposed to tag five people. Oh well. :). Just spreading the love a little more.}

you are what what you eat eats.

~Some Random Thoughts from my Wednesday~

I really want to see this film. And this one, too.

I just spent 30 minutes learning about chocolate. here and here. thank you, wikipedia.

I think Bob Dylan is genius.

I want to be more creative with the three Rs.

I wish I could afford to only shop at farmers markets, independent businesses, and fair trade establishments.

I might go veg again.

Some of my favorite foreign films are in french, not spanish, (the language I've studied).

I tasted world-class cheese today. seriously. they have awards to prove it. Here.

And I tasted chocolate-covered BACON. Here.

I really wouldn't mind living in Oregon the rest of my life.

I love hanging out with my mom.

I miss the MOA cafe.

I am not very good at taking naps. especially in cars.

I was told on Monday that I'm flat-footed. By a doctor. Don't know how I feel about that.

I need a bigger memory card for my camera.

I have had the sudden urge to abandon my laptop for a typewriter.

I really need to eat more vegetables.

I can't wait to pick some Bing Cherries. Pit them. Dry them. And take them back to school.

I'm thinking up a good excuse to drive out to Lighthouse Center in Umpqua.

I really like grocery shopping. Especially at cute little *overpriced* stores.

Should I take HEPE 105 over the summer??

Should I compete open in the fall????

Should I buy a bike next year??

Now that I solved the scheduling problem....i'm stressing about ballroom auditions...:-O

really stressing.

and wishing there was more I could do...

That's all, for now.

photo via deviantart